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Holly Cara Price: Rubbernecking: Project Runway Episode 6, “You Can Totally Wear That Again”

As we re-enter the wacky world of the Runway Projectors this week, we’re treated to Michael D in bed chirping “Good morning” followed by, “it’s like being trapped in hell.” Which reminds me I’ve been meaning to make note of the atlas housing arrangements, who is bunking with who and like that. So here’s how that shakes out at the moment:
– Michael D, Casanova, Mondo, and Christopher (can you imagine the trash talking here)
– April, Peach (who seem to be brothers from different mothers…so to speak)
– Ivy, Valerie, Gretchen (hell’s bells, this is a beeyotch fest)
– Andy, Michael C (there is literally NO ONE who likes Michael C, including Andy)

Casanova’s just content at the moment to have immunity from last week’s win. Michael C is smarting from the Under-The-Bus-Throwathon last week (to camera: “bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep them all”). Ivy’s still kissing Gretchen’s ass, but behind her back opining to Valerie that she thinks the Tim speech last week was good for G and provided a reality check. Valerie diplomatically says that G has a strong personality and she tends to fall into a leadership role without realizing it. Meanwhile Gretchen pouts to camera, “I’m not a manipulative person and it really, really hurt my feelings to have Tim say that to me. It kind of clouds my vision a little bit.”

Off to Runwayville for the word on the next challenge. Enter La Klum, who tells them that this week’s challenge is to re-invent the world’s ugliest bridesmaid dresses into a fashionable look for the women who wore them and were told, as all bridesmaids are, “you can totally wear that again.” Eleven women join Heidi onstage in their dresses, which range from icky to disgusting in both fabric choice and color. This is where I notice that Ivy has the most shrill, horrible laugh.

Bridesmaid Dresses from Hell
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Since Casanova won last week he gets first choice so he goes for a tall, model-proportioned girl named Julia. Heidi opens the black bag of doom to select the next designer to choose, which turns out to be Mondo (on whom I admit to having a big schoolgirl crush right now even though he obviously plays for the other team). Mondo chooses a tanned Jersey girl, Amanda, because her dress is a rosy pink and he likes the color. It’s not until she sashays off the runway that we see that there’s a weird ugly white laced up panel in the back. Mondo: “Now I’m sweating.”

Of course the last girl standing is the zaftig Jacleen. Michael D gets her by default as his is the last name out of the bag. “It’s a date,” he quips. “Alright, can’t wait,” returns Jacleen gamely. Meanwhile you know no one chose her because they don’t have the first idea how to make clothes that aren’t for tall, lithe models.

Jacleen ready for her date with destiny
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Back to the workroom, where the dresses are placed on their dressforms at everyone’s space. Tim comes in and commiserates, “I have to tell you something, these are terrifying looking garments….what’s wrong with the bridesmaid dress industry, I ask you.” They get a 30-minute consultation with their new clients and then off to Mood with a budget of $50 to buy up to two yards of additional fabric. The caveat: they have to use most of the original dress in the design.

Christopher’s model has cold feet so a new victim has been chosen for him. April worries that her model is not open to her aesthetic and is too demanding. Michael C says it’s fun when you have a client you can relate to (at this point it’s probably fun to be able to relate to anyone since he’s in Cold Shoulderville – I feel bad for him). Peach gives her model runway walking lessons. Michael D talks about the challenges of designing for a woman “who’s a little more …um… voluptuous – it has the tendency to go really, really wrong.”

Tim is adorably 5th-grade-teacher-y as they go off to shop at Mood: “Yay! Follow me.”
During the shopping trip Michael D decides to buy upholstery fabric in order to get more yardage. It’s obvious he’s freaking about designing for a larger size woman, but he’s keeping it together for the cameras. “I don’t even want my girl’s size to be a conversation topic,” he says. “I think she has a wicked curvaceous body.”

For some reason this is the episode of do-rags. Valerie and Andy both sport one during their sewing day, see below
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and on the runway day Michael D wears one that makes him look like an extra in Gone With the Wind. Do you think I’m kidding? See for yourself.
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Valerie thinks that Michael C will wow the judges, who all think they’re crazy for thinking he’s talentless. Here I have to ask; why do they hate on Michael C so badly? He doesn’t appear to be a vicious backstabbing beeyotch like G, or a conniving kiss ass like Ivy. But there is not one designer that’s on his side. Even Casanova, who gives him a friendly shove and says he’s talented, is all nodding assent when everyone starts to trash talk on him. Likewise Peach – the show’s mom figure – is down on Michael C. Is there something on the editing room floor we don’t know about?

Speaking of editing, in an attempt to make us believe that Gretchen is not the stone cold beeyotch we all know now she really is, we get to eavesdrop this week on her videocam call to her mother. G is homesick and her mom advises her you can do this, to stick with it, tremendous opportunity etc. “My mom is one of my best friends,” G tells us. The call reminds her that she needs to stay focused on her work. Meanwhile Christopher has stayed her little lap dog, he was “crushed” when Tim made those comments at the end of last week’s show. “There’s not a malicious bone in her body,” Christopher says.

Enter La Gunn for Check In Time. G looks apprehensive, like she is being made to pet a dog that bit her. Tim comes over to her station first and the background music waxes a bit overdramatic. Tim likes what she’s doing but says she needs to guard against something that could look too athletic. G thanks him for his august advice and carries on.

Tim points out to Michael D how much of an honor and a privilege it is to design for someone who’s not a size 6. “I’m excited about it, you don’t even know,” says Michael D in such a way that I know he’s lying his ass off. He’s considering covering the front with a black netting which Tim thinks looks like a great big oversized bra. This can’t end well.

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Mondo’s got a sixties mod thing going, “I’m actually crazy about it,” says Tim. (At this point I’m daydreaming about Mondo moving into my house when I make my first million and designing outfits for me full time).

Teen Heartthrob Time
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I’m a little over Valerie, who’s too much into ganging up against Michael C for my taste and who also seems to be going too far into BadTasteville with her garment this week. Tim tells her it’s looking as far away from fashion as one can get and “looking more like clothes” (the way he says the word clothes sounds like it’s synonymous with vomit).

Peach is struggling with an awful gauzy print she chose for the top above the green pencil skirt. She’s thinking of adding some peplum to the bottom, at which Tim audibly groans, but agrees she does need something to break it up. Valerie to camera: “it’s a very ruffly grandma print paisley dress.”

Christopher’s challenge is to make his girl’s fabric not look like curtains, which it actually does. Curtains hanging in Liberace’s mansion in Las Vegas. Tim likes the way Casanova’s look is going, “there’s something sporty about it….I like this blouson.” Casanova comes back with his now trademark comment: Ek-saaaak-lee, ek-sak-lee.” (Check out mashup below of “Exactly,” by Casanova, from the Project Runway website)

Curveball time! Tim makes an announcement that tomorrow will not be a runway day but instead there will be a designer showcase with hundreds of people attending. Valerie wants to know if they will be real people (as opposed to…?). The designers will present their models and designs to the guests, who will vote on their favorite outfits. This will factor into the next day’s judging.

The ex-bridesmaids come in for a fitting. Michael C was on the fence about the lace top that his model wanted but decided she’s right and he’s going to add it. Peach is “in a little bit of a Peach panic” because she made a cutting error on the skirt and doesn’t have enough fabric left to fix it. She knows she’ll be in the bottom but thinks (hopes) there are worse garments this week. She doesn’t know if real people will like the dress because she herself doesn’t like it. (Gretchen to her roomies: Peach might be “caught up with”)

At the showcase each of them has a small stage where their client stands in the redesigned outfit next to a photo of what it looked like before. There’s also a tip jar people will put buttons into if they like the garment. Tim advises them to “engage” and “seduce” the guests.

The crowd ends up loving Michael C and Mondo’s looks. Michael D gets one button. G tells the folks that the bib like top she made is all handpainted and the look is versatile – could be worn with jeans and a blazer or could be office appropriate. I honestly question her taste level. Plus, as Michael C points out, there is serious side boobage going on.

He’s not kidding
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Ivy has it in her mind that Michael C is poisoning people against her and telling them she’s the bitch of the show. Is it me or is there more bitchiness than usual this season?

Gretchen feeds into Ivy’s paranoia by telling her that Michael C is trying to figure out how to break her. When Andy asks Michael C if he was telling people not to vote for Ivy, Michael flat out denies it. “I would never ever do that.” He decides he’s going to talk to her about it. Ivy says she’s not going to confront him so she can conserve her energy and focus on getting to the end of the competition. When he does confront her the next day she brushes it off.

The morning of the runway show, Peach is feeling more confident because of the public’s reaction to her dress although she’s in a snit because the skirt still needs to be finished. As they all run around finishing up their garments and making revisions here and there, Tim comes in to reel off the product placements (my favorite: “use the Piperlime accessory wall very thoughtfully.”)

Runway Showtime. Our guest judge this week is Cynthia Rowley, who as it happens just launched a collection of bridesmaid dresses, quel coincidence. Casanova’s gone quite debonair in a vest, white shirt, and tie with a natty chapeau. April’s hair is down for once, which looks much better, kind of Gwen Stefani-ish. Peach is in my least favorite of her looks, the shopping mall looking pink sweater with the tiny eyeglasses all over it. Michael D’s sporting the Butterfly McQueen do-rag. Andy’s got a brand new Mohawk. As Cynthia Rowley is announced, Gretchen waves, clearly thrilled, and gives her a geeky fist pump.

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It’s time for the show. Mondo‘s way pleased with his look, “the bridesmaid’s dress was a catastrophe, this dress is a miracle.” My thoughts? This boy is a freaking genius. This is so so cute. I love the hair because it’s very retro sixties (the judges don’t as you’ll see). She looks like she just walked off the set of Hullabaloo. Along with our model looks this week I’m going to give you the before of their garments, except for Christopher, who had no before photo.

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Ivy‘s a little concerned over the fit of her model’s pants. For my money, this is a pretty good transformation of an ugly bridesmaid’s gown.

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Valerie thinks her model looks great but Nina has that knitted brow look like what was she thinking – and this is not a look you ever want NG to have. I am hard pressed to believe that talented Valerie did this, it’s so unattractive.

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Gretchen‘s model has a weird twotone bib top and the skirt looks like it was burnt with an iron, plus the thigh high boots. I’m starting to realize G has an unhealthy fascination with high boots.

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Peach sees her model coming down the runway and expresses, “…I think for the love of God and all that’s holy what did I do to this girl.” Peach doesn’t look at the judges because she’s afraid of the look on MK’s face. Oh, triple ick. The skirt is wayyyyy too short. And the top…well, let’s let the shredding take place by the experts. One thing I have to say though, bra straps along with the halter top…not so much.

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Andy‘s having second thoughts on his outfit, the shorts needed to be shorter perhaps but he feels the overall look is really good, really strong. Michael D: “She’s going to take your husband away.” To me, this looks so so boring. Far from a clubbing outfit which is what Tim said in the workroom, more like she’s going to do laundry on a summer afternoon on the lower east side. Am I crazy?

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As his girl walks down the runway, Michael C is looking only at Nina’s face. “She looks at my dress and she puts the little card over her head and I was like, OHMYGOD IT’S TOO SHORT, I’m dying inside, that’s it, I’m going home.” I admit I’m impressed by this dress, especially made by someone the other designers keep saying has no talent.

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Christopher‘s girl walks the plank. G tells him it’s really well made which must be her way of being nice or something. I think he did an admirable job with a flouncy dress that looked like curtains.

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Michael D‘s model is next. The hair up looks too severe. She looks matronly. Not a look you would ever want to have, least of all on a runway. Heidi looks frankly puzzled. Michael D: “If they send me home they send me home. I’m not going to cry.” Jacleen deserved better.

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Casanova likes his model’s look. He thinks making a dress from a dress is expected – but to make motorcycle pants from a bridesmaid’s dress is unexpected. I like this look, the colors are cute, and I really like the half boots he chose for the model to wear.

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April is totally thrilled by her model, who walks like she knows her way around a runway. “Oh my God, she’s so fierce.” I haven’t been very impressed by April, in fact was surprised she made it this far, but she did well with this.

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April, Ivy, Andy, Gretchen, and Casanova are declared safe and go off to the dishing area to dish on who’s on the top and who’s on the bottom. It’s another Michael C hatefest. April thinks he’s in the bottom. G says there are construction issues with his dress – “you can’t do a zipper, a swoop, lace and satin – COME ON!” Ivy says he’s kind of all over the place. April and Casanova just nod along.

Left on the runway are Michael C, Peach, Mondo, Valerie, Christopher, and Michael D. The judges start on – I mean with – Michael D. MK comes out with another great Korsism: “I actually think you went from bridesmaid to Bat Mitzvah.” Heidi says it looked better before. Nina says that the fabric is unfortunate, “it looks like mosquito netting from here, plus you can see every single detail that went wrong.” Cynthia says she thinks she sees that he was going for a kind of retro Mad Men idea but it didn’t work. The model, Jacleen, says she thinks it’s really fun and it feels way more comfortable than the original dress.

Christopher is next. MK says it feels like two dresses were glued together, he likes the top and the bias at the waist, but the bottom doesn’t work. Nina likes the top but feels the bottom is too short. Heidi finds it sexy and still very elegant. Cynthia is the biggest champion – “it feels like the bridesmaid’s dress was ripped apart and deconstructed…it’s beautiful…it’s perfect.”

Peach, oy vey gevolt. MK starts by saying, “I think her hair is gorgeous…” Peach gushes, “isn’t it beautiful?” Michael Kors finishes, “…but that’s all I think looks gorgeous. The shredding commences. “The top is a Holly Hobbie halter, there’s nothing sexy about it at all, I don’t think that the avocado dinner napkins tucked in at her hip are doing anything for you…She’s young and cool and you’re trying to make her look like she’s at the church Bring-A-Pot-Dinner.” Peach says she felt it was really chopping Erika without the peplum, to which MK argues that she has an avocado goiter. OUCH. Erika gamely thinks the outfit is fun, to which MK asks if she saw herself in a three-way mirror (she says yes). Heidi likes the racer back, but says the ruffle on the bottom looks like a bedskirt. Nina chimes in that the color is “boring” and the design “just looks weird and old.” Cynthia thinks fashion “should look effortless and this looks oddly uptight.” Peach admits she got lost. Heidi asks Erika if she feels sexy, Erika responds that she feels comfortable. “That means no,” laughs Heidi.

Let’s take a closer look at those avocado dinner napkins. Oh, ish.
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Mondo is next. Nina likes the asymmetry, streamlined, modern. Cynthia says it’s a good transformation, sleek and cool. Her only issue is that Amanda’s hair looks like a style she would have worn with the original bridesmaid’s dress. MK loves the pink strip at the shoulder, both feminine and tough: “It’s a hot dress on a hot girl.”

Valerie takes some serious hits for her look. She starts to explain that she wanted to do color blocking to give the illusion of bringing Lena in. MK says that color blocking can do great things for your body but “the way this is color blocked it’s like you turned her into nursing grandmother chest.” Nina says the top is lopsided, “you’ve made her look shorter and broader than she is.” Cynthia adds the straps look a little Fredericks of Hollywood. Heidi’s one remark is that she didn’t hate it as much as everyone else.

Michael C is last. Heidi says it’s really edgy and really hip. Hard but still sexy and feminine. She loves the lace on top. MK says his styling is spot on, “you took a very bland bridesmaid’s dress and you gave her a cocktail dress that in fact looks very expensive.” Cynthia calls it’s “ultra sophisticated” and loves that it’s almost at that too-short length “where it’s exciting.” Nina loves the mix of the lace, the satin, the detail of the velvet bow in the back.

The judges dispatch everyone to the dishing area while they make their final decisions. Peach tells the group that her dress was “her gift to everyone here because you guys are safe.” Michael D says the judges thought his outfit looked cheap and that he made Jacleen look worse, “but Michael here…they loved his.” Michael C, who had been sitting quietly, admits that they loved the lace, the back, the little bow, the paneling. Everyone looks like they just smelled something really bad.

Back in JudgeLand, their top three are Michael C, Mondo and Christopher. Heidi liked the bustier and the one shoulder of Christopher’s dress. Cynthia is impressed with how effortless the faux organza drape on the top looked. As for Mondo, they all agree the transformation of his dress was astounding. Heidi: “he made a modern, hot dress.” Nina adds, “but the hair and makeup were the Jersey Shore. MK: “Snooki and the Flintstones.” As for Michael C, they seem to take special delight in the fact that the whole group trashed him severely last week for not knowing how to sew. MK says that dress had that perfect balance, the sleeve and higher neckline balanced the shorter hemline. It was a “phenomenal transformation” from the original dress.

The bottom three are Valerie, Michael D, and Peach. MK calls Valerie’s “a really bad tennis dress gone wrong.” Cynthia calls it “a kinda weird cartoon character.” Michael D, they all agree, made the model look so much worse than the original dress. Peach’s dress looked “homesewn” (Heidi), “totally over-designed” (Nina). MK says “she has the sewing and tailoring skills – it’s the taste level that I’m worried about.”

How about some peplum?
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As the six of them file back out to face the music, barely after the door closes on them, Gretchen flips out. “What show are we on???? I feel like I don’t even know why I’m here, man! I had to bite my tongue.” Andy says he feels like they’re spinning him in five circles. I mean, I’ve heard of sore losers, but this is beyond ridiculous!

Michael C is the winner. He is so excited he jumps up and down and immediately goes to hug Valerie, who’s standing next to him, forgetting in his excitement that she hates him as much as the rest of them do. This means he has immunity for the next challenge. He’s teary-eyed and goes back to the dishing area.

When Michael C comes into the room and announces that he won, everyone looks dismayed. Ivy (in a bitchy voice): “of course you did.” Gretchen, frowning, tells the camera “it’s frustrating because craftsmanship isn’t as acknowledged as I had hoped it to be.” Yes, we can’t all make a garment that looks like an iron burnt it in several places.

Reaction Shots to Michael C’s win
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Casanova’s the only one who admits he respects Michael C as a designer. Wow. So much vitriol. It’s just like being in junior high school where the popular kids freeze out one unlucky kid. Mondo’s next to come back as safe and second runner up. When he comes in there’s a chorus of well wishing. Christopher’s next as third runner up, another chorus of gladness from the dishing area.

Valerie escapes from the bottom three as safe. Peach and Michael D are the bottom two. Michael D narrowly escapes, he’d better thank his lucky stars for that avocado peplum. Peach – out. She graciously thanks the judges, saying, “thank you, I’ve had the time of my life.” She goes back to say goodbye to the troops: “Who’s gonna be the fairy dragmother?”

Everyone is sad, and even I have to admit a tear comes to my eye, even though I couldn’t understand why Peach kept slithering through week after week (simple answer, there were worse trainwrecks – but the writing was on the wall). She’s such a nice lady – that’s the truth. Tim comes in to bid a fond farewell: “You’re a gem and we’re going to miss you a lot.” There’s nary a dry eye in the room.

And sew it goes!

Check out the Michael C video diary for this episode in which he tells us how he really feels about everyone hating on him, from the official Project Runway site.

If you’re digging my recaps, check out my new Tumblelog

Project Runway airs Thursday nights at 9pm ET on Lifetime TV

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Kim Bensen: Just for today…

Several Wednesday nights ago at my weight loss meeting a new member joined our group. I’ll call her Amy. This was her first time following any diet (yes, first timers do still exist).

An outgoing young woman, Amy was very excited to begin and curious about the journey that lay before her. Many of the other members marveled at her inexperience and began taking her under their wing. Advice ranged from not shopping on an empty stomach to planning out her day every morning. I’m afraid poor Amy got an awful lot of information all at once and, by the time the meeting began, she was slightly overwhelmed. One long-standing member got in a parting tip: “And don’t think of this as a short-term thing. You’ll be doing this for the rest of your life.”

There’s a lot of focus in the diet industry these days about the whole “lifestyle change” thing. I admit it; I’m one of those who truly believe that living your diet, making it a new lifestyle, is definitely the ultimate goal. Lifestyle is, after all, the opposite of yo-yo. I don’t, however, believe that it has to be everyone’s FIRST goal. Let me explain.

There are days when working out and following your diet is not too bad, even enjoyable. (If it’s not, there’s a major problem here.) Then there are days when calling it a struggle is the understatement of the year. Fighting our way through the dessert room of a wedding reception or a rainy afternoon with the kids home from school wanting “SNACKS!” can be very draining and discouraging. To sit and think at that moment, “I’m going to be doing this for the rest of my life” can be enough to drive you to the cookie jar!

Just as our habits took time to entrench themselves in our lives, so new habits take time as well. New choices and habits and a healthier, weight-conscious mindset will take time to become part of us. And that’s OK. Don’t worry about forever. Forever is what happens as you work on making it through one meal at a time.

For those of you who have ever been involved with a twelve step program, their focus is “One Day At A Time.” If you look to the Bible for guidance, God clearly has a twenty-four hour focus. The manna He provided for the Israelites only lasted one day, twenty-four hours, before going bad. “Give us this day our DAILY bread” – implies just enough for today. If you feel like the “forever” focus is too much, you’re absolutely right. It’s overwhelming and discouraging. But YOU CAN work on creating your new lifestyle TODAY. For the next twenty-four hours YOU CAN stick with it, prepare ahead, write out your meals and check them off as you go. YOU CAN accomplish great things in one day that will give you the encouragement, experience and hope to take it one day more. And, honestly, that’s all you need to worry about.

This is the advice I gave to Amy last week: “You don’t have to do this for the rest of your life. You just have to do it today … EVERY day.”

PS THIS is what the Monday Night Chats is all about. If you’re discouraged and are tired of yo-yoing, if you need a jump start, please join us this Monday night at 8pm est. If you’re not a member, it’s free for the first month. We’d love to have you give it a try. 24/100% BABY!

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Louis C.K. Talks Terrible NYC Public Schools (VIDEO)

Hilarious comedian, “Louie” star, and recent drunk tweeter Louis C.K. went on “The Tonight Show” last night, and dished out some material on his two daughters’ NYC public school. C.K. told some hilarious and frightening stories about the times he’s volunteered during lunch time, when 300 kids are dining and “one Jamaican lady is watching all of them.”

One of the funniest parts of the interview was when C.K. reacted sarcastically after getting a lot of laughs talking about some of the school kids’ deathly peanut allergies, and again when he mentioned free lunch for low income students. Leno’s audience had some interesting reactions.

On another interesting note, the second guest on “The Tonight Show” last night was Bristol Palin. We wonder if there was an awkward moment since the subject of C.K.’s recent drunk Twitter rant was Bristol’s mom, Sarah Palin.

WATCH:

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Wayne Besen: To Win, Democrats Must Define, Defend, and Dumb Down

This weekend, I attended an event on Fire Island that featured Sen. Kirstin Gillibrand. Interestingly, a few donors publicly expressed displeasure about the Party’s progress on gay issues during a Q&A session.

This got me thinking about why some Democrats are disappointed with the Party – and it goes much deeper than votes on a few key issues. The unease, in my view, comes directly from the Democratic Party’s inability to define itself, defend itself and the style in which it communicates.

If one is asked to name five defining issues the Republican Party stands for, it would be easy: Lower taxes (for the rich), Pro-business (corporate welfare), Discrimination (gays, blacks, Muslims immigrants, etc.), Family Values (undermining separation of church & State) and a strong defense (dumb wars we can’t afford).

But, if one asks the same question about Democrats, people would be left scratching their heads. Over the past couple of decades, the Party has left us with a series of mind-numbing, ever-changing slogans and strategies.

Sure, many of the Democratic Party’s issues are laudable and they have had some success passing legislation. But the merry-go-round of messages has left the Party with an identity crisis. Any experienced salesperson understands that without a solid brand, the product can’t easily be marketed or sold.

In the absence of a brand, Democrats have had to disproportionately rely on prodigy politicians, such as Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, as well as scaring voters into believing (rightfully) that Republicans are too radical to govern. Fear will send many Democratic voters to the polls in November. However, spooking people into voting against the bad guys and Mama Grizzlies, while important, will not be enough to win long-term.

Aside from defining, the Democrats are going to have to start defending and stop allowing themselves to be tarred by Republicans. First, Al Gore was painted as a wimpy, serial exaggerator who lacked leadership. Then, we had war hero, John Kerry, who was swift boated as a traitor. Now, Barack Obama has been mercilessly slimed as a communist, Muslim terrorist who wants to march into Middle America and take their guns.

It is frustrating that the Democratic Party can’t make Americans remember the disaster of George W. Bush’s presidency, a mere two years ago. Yet the GOP still has people remembering the alleged nightmare of life under Jimmy Carter.

Wouldn’t the party be much better off if it cast aside its reticence and threw political punches against the GOP in the same way that Rachel Maddow, Keith Olberman and Jon Stewart do each night?

If Barack Obama still thinks he can play nice and make friends with intransigent Republicans, then he is kidding himself. The GOP is already planning, if they win back the House, to undermine the President’s legitimacy and effectiveness by launching a series of frivolous investigations.

Of course, the biggest problem the Democrats have is that they often do not know how to talk to voters. In the early stages of my career, when I was in broadcasting, news directors taught that to reach a mass audience, reporters had to write at a fifth-to seventh grade level. The Republicans get this, while Democrats talk to the American people as if they are conducting a college seminar. We hear them yammering about complicated or meaningless terms such as: public option, cap and trade, deregulation, ENDA, and working people.

(Today’s real working people would rather be defined by their aspirations, not their current station in life. So, appeal to their dreams, not their present job.)

Here are four quick examples of the way Democratic Party officials and politicians should start talking to voters about key issues:

Deregulation: “Thanks to Republicans, we can’t even feel secure having eggs for breakfast because they have dismantled safeguards that protected us from food poisoning.”

Alternative Energy: “Every time we go to the gas pump and use foreign oil, we are pumping up the terrorists. This is why we support homegrown energy innovation.”

Environment: “We will not allow Republican policies to ruin our heritage by polluting our blue water and skies with oil and smog.”

ENDA: “In a free market, the best worker should get the job, regardless of sexual orientation. We have zero tolerance for discrimination because it is morally wrong and it is bad for business.”

I know it can be difficult to dumb down the rhetoric. But, it is better than feeling stupid on Election Day, watching Republicans trick the American people into voting against their own interests.

Read more: Gop, Lgbt, Tea Party, Jon Stewart, Rachel Maddow, Truth Wins Out, Keith Olbermann, Kirstin Gillibrand, Gay, Democratic Party, Bill O'Reilly, Republican Party, Wayne Besen, Politics News

Wayne Besen: To Win, Democrats Must Define, Defend, and Dumb Down

This weekend, I attended an event on Fire Island that featured Sen. Kirstin Gillibrand. Interestingly, a few donors publicly expressed displeasure about the Party’s progress on gay issues during a Q&A session.

This got me thinking about why some Democrats are disappointed with the Party – and it goes much deeper than votes on a few key issues. The unease, in my view, comes directly from the Democratic Party’s inability to define itself, defend itself and the style in which it communicates.

If one is asked to name five defining issues the Republican Party stands for, it would be easy: Lower taxes (for the rich), Pro-business (corporate welfare), Discrimination (gays, blacks, Muslims immigrants, etc.), Family Values (undermining separation of church & State) and a strong defense (dumb wars we can’t afford).

But, if one asks the same question about Democrats, people would be left scratching their heads. Over the past couple of decades, the Party has left us with a series of mind-numbing, ever-changing slogans and strategies.

Sure, many of the Democratic Party’s issues are laudable and they have had some success passing legislation. But the merry-go-round of messages has left the Party with an identity crisis. Any experienced salesperson understands that without a solid brand, the product can’t easily be marketed or sold.

In the absence of a brand, Democrats have had to disproportionately rely on prodigy politicians, such as Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, as well as scaring voters into believing (rightfully) that Republicans are too radical to govern. Fear will send many Democratic voters to the polls in November. However, spooking people into voting against the bad guys and Mama Grizzlies, while important, will not be enough to win long-term.

Aside from defining, the Democrats are going to have to start defending and stop allowing themselves to be tarred by Republicans. First, Al Gore was painted as a wimpy, serial exaggerator who lacked leadership. Then, we had war hero, John Kerry, who was swift boated as a traitor. Now, Barack Obama has been mercilessly slimed as a communist, Muslim terrorist who wants to march into Middle America and take their guns.

It is frustrating that the Democratic Party can’t make Americans remember the disaster of George W. Bush’s presidency, a mere two years ago. Yet the GOP still has people remembering the alleged nightmare of life under Jimmy Carter.

Wouldn’t the party be much better off if it cast aside its reticence and threw political punches against the GOP in the same way that Rachel Maddow, Keith Olberman and Jon Stewart do each night?

If Barack Obama still thinks he can play nice and make friends with intransigent Republicans, then he is kidding himself. The GOP is already planning, if they win back the House, to undermine the President’s legitimacy and effectiveness by launching a series of frivolous investigations.

Of course, the biggest problem the Democrats have is that they often do not know how to talk to voters. In the early stages of my career, when I was in broadcasting, news directors taught that to reach a mass audience, reporters had to write at a fifth-to seventh grade level. The Republicans get this, while Democrats talk to the American people as if they are conducting a college seminar. We hear them yammering about complicated or meaningless terms such as: public option, cap and trade, deregulation, ENDA, and working people.

(Today’s real working people would rather be defined by their aspirations, not their current station in life. So, appeal to their dreams, not their present job.)

Here are four quick examples of the way Democratic Party officials and politicians should start talking to voters about key issues:

Deregulation: “Thanks to Republicans, we can’t even feel secure having eggs for breakfast because they have dismantled safeguards that protected us from food poisoning.”

Alternative Energy: “Every time we go to the gas pump and use foreign oil, we are pumping up the terrorists. This is why we support homegrown energy innovation.”

Environment: “We will not allow Republican policies to ruin our heritage by polluting our blue water and skies with oil and smog.”

ENDA: “In a free market, the best worker should get the job, regardless of sexual orientation. We have zero tolerance for discrimination because it is morally wrong and it is bad for business.”

I know it can be difficult to dumb down the rhetoric. But, it is better than feeling stupid on Election Day, watching Republicans trick the American people into voting against their own interests.

Read more: Gop, Lgbt, Tea Party, Jon Stewart, Rachel Maddow, Truth Wins Out, Keith Olbermann, Kirstin Gillibrand, Gay, Democratic Party, Bill O'Reilly, Republican Party, Wayne Besen, Politics News

Tallulah Morehead: Big Brother 12: The Puppetry of the Pea-Brains.

Sunday: The first quarter hour of Sunday evening’s show replayed the Thursday show with a few new Diary Room soundbites, before we even got to the HOH competition. It was like a rerun of an hour ago.

But it was worth it for this new sound bite: Enzo, better known as Batman’s nemesis The Penguin, said: “De Brains goes home. Maybe he wasn’t De Brains after all, because I beat him, and you know I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer.”

I do know The Penguin isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. He wouldn’t be the sharpest knife in the drawer even if he were the only knife in the drawer. If he’d been in Norman Bates’s kitchen, Janet Leigh would still be alive today. The Penguin is duller than Atlas Shrugged. Nor have I ever seen a knife that wore sunglasses indoors.

But what was the point of reshowing over ten minutes the five minutes of pointless plotting to evict Ragan, when we all know Brendon went back to the waiting breasts of Boobiac? Let’s get on to the HOH competition. It’s not like I wasn’t also busy reviewing The Emmy Awards Show, which was on at the same time.

Well, we did get The Penguin saying: “Now dat Ragan’s off the block, I gotta choose between Britney or Brendon. So, who’s gonna be harder to beat? Dat’s a no-brainer, even for me. Brendon, duh.” Somehow, The Penguin being aware that he’s a dimwit doesn’t make him any more likeable.

The Penguin on The Neandertal‘s eviction: “You’ll have Rachel in the jury house. Go make ugly babies.” He should talk. Pity any baby that resembles The Penguin. (Are there infants with hair plugs?)

If Boobiac’s and Brendon’s babies resemble Brendon, they could be gorgeous. If they look like her, well, what does she actually look like? I mean without fake hair and fake boobs, and heaven knows what else about her she’s had manufactured. It’s remotely possible that Boobiac started out looking perfectly okay. But then, if she can, I’m sure Boobiac would have her girl fetus given silicone implants in utero, so it would be born able to nurse itself. Do they have formula Tequila for the babies of drunken sluts?

Why were they putting on layers of clothing for the outdoor HOH competition? It was triple digit heat out there during the day last Thursday, and well into the 80s even at midnight.

Lane, aka The Beast, was conflicted. The Penguin was insistent that Ragan and Bitchney were to be nominated, as the only non-Brigade members left in the house. But The Beast, knowing that he might win HOH, has grown too attached to Bitchney. He thinks of her in the shower, as he’s – ah – picking at his ear with his visible hand. He’d prefer to throw the competition. “Hopefully Enzo can win, and make that decision for me. So Enzo, pull it out. Win this one.”

1. Under no conceivable circumstances do I want to see The Penguin “pull it out.”

2. The Penguin win a competition? Puh-leaze. Kathy has a better shot at winning HOH, and she’s gone. His is not the basket into which to put all one’s eggs. The Penguin is 100% mouth. 0% game.

Head of Household Competition: The game was “Big Brother Blackjack,” a card game involving using a small ramp to toss a ball into a target. It in no way involved the actual skillsets needed to win at blackjack. So naturally The Penguin, in disguise by being out of his tux, thought he’d have it aced. As James Bond movies go, this was not so much the Daniel Craig version of Casino Royale, as the Peter Sellers version.

In the first round, Ragan managed to hit his two targets in three balls, prompting this insane remark from The Penguin: “Wow. Ragan. Who knew Ragan, dis bag of bones, could play blackjack so well?” He’s not playing Blackjack! He’s playing Ski-ball. Playing Blackjack involves sitting, looking at two or three cards, and saying stuff like “Hit me,” or “I’ll stand with these,” not launching small balls down a ramp towards targets.

After his utterly pathetic second-round failure to hit any target at all, The Penguin said: “Man, I can’t win anything, man,” a moment of self-discovery so intense, he needed to say “man” twice in one sentence. Who knew he was such a lousy Blackjack player? His pathetic performance shocked — ah — um — well, it shocked him.

Hayden’s Diary Room summation was an unusually accurate observation for a man with a curtain of frizzies now hanging over his eyes, owing to his relentless refusal to cut or groom his hair. (He’s the shaggy clod.) “Enzo bombs another competition. I have to say one thing for the guy; he has been the most-consistent competitor all season long.”

Ragan beat me! Ragan beat me!” The Penguin wailed in bewilderment, apparently not having noticed prior to this that Ragan has been wiping up the floor with him in competitions for nine weeks. “You see how tight Ragan’s shirt is? Like he can’t even breathe. Like he can’t move his arms in that shirt.” Ragan’s shirt is form-fitting, but it’s not that tight. His sleeves are hanging loose on his skinny excuse for biceps. And in any event, what’s The Penguin’s excuse? He wasn’t even in his Penguin suit. “De more I stay in this house, de more embarrassing it gets.” So leave. The Penguin was born embarrassing and will die embarrassing.

So it came down to Ragan vs The Beast. Ragan clutched, and The Beast became Head of Household, and was faced with the choice of Brigade loyalty vs sex. This choice might have had some suspense, if I’d never met a man before in my whole life. They can trumpet “Bros before hos” all they want, but when the choice is save a platonic bud, or get laid, getting laid always wins. Always!

The real revelation of The Beast’s HOH Room was that The Beast comes from money. He doesn’t work for The Ewings. His family are The Ewings! They own their own oil company. It turns out that The Beast’s job, which he has been making sound like he labors out on oil rigs, covered in grime and grease, actually consists of playing golf and taking clients to restaurants. He owns two cars and a new house. He’s rich! Instantly all the other players were thinking “He doesn’t need the prize money.” Certainly that was Hayden’s thought, he who hasn’t made $5000 in two years.

Hammock talk: Bitchney: “What are ya thinkin’ ’bout?”

Hayden: “Nothin’.”

I believe him. I can hear the unwavering bleeeeeeep of his inactive mind from here. I can hear his ends splitting.

The Penguin on the possibility of being on the block: “I’m not having that.” Well then maybe you should trying winning something.

I know it gets boring in the house, intensely boring, which is why I wonder why on earth anyone pays money for the live feeds to watch a bunch of boobs sitting around, bored out of their minds, but this was a new low for CBS turning desperate to fill an hour: we saw The Penguin pretending to use the weight bench as a small space cruiser (It’s a safe bet he wouldn’t be using it to exercise. I haven’t forgotten his lifting the weight bar with no weights on it at all. Gee, why can’t he win competitions?), while Bitchney fashioned tiaras out of tin foil. It was like watching recess at an elementary school. Next they’ll be making baking soda volcanoes, and construction paper dioramas.

Pandora’s Box: Again? What now? It’s already subjected us to the return first of Boobiac, and then of Jesse. What fresh horror could it unleash? The return of Chima? So far, they’ve been punishing we viewers more than the houseguests. This time The Beast was offered a “Money Tree.” He could select up to three envelopes from the tree. It was possible, if he picked the right envelopes, to win $10,000. The Beast showed the one characteristic common to all rich people: greed. (How do you think they get rich?) He went for it.

And he picked the wrong three envelopes, getting himself a grand total of $91.17, of which he said: “Maybe I could fill my car up with gas.” What does he drive? A tank? And excuse me, his family owns an oil company. Doesn’t he get his gas free?

The house was to get a punishment for each envelope. And the house doesn’t believe he only made $91.17. For all they know, he made the full $10,000. This turned out so lamely, you’d have thought he was The Penguin. Okay. That’s unfair. If The Penguin had been choosing envelopes, he’d have ended up owing the tree $10,000.

The First Punishment: while the houseguests lazed outside, all their eating utensils, and cups and glasses vanished, so they could eat and drink like pigs for a while. I wonder if The Penguin will even notice.

The moment The Beast told Bitchney he wouldn’t nominate Hayden, she went right to Female Defensive Whine #1: “So what you’re saying is you like Hayden better than me?” Please shoot me. Ladies of the world, men always and without exception like their men friends better than you! It’s only that they consider you their only option for sexual pleasure that gets you to trump the guys. This is why it’s essential for women to keep homophobia alive. If men ever reached the point of actually considering each other as viable a sexual option as women, they would have no reason to put up with this sort of behavior whatever, and the human race would die out in one generation.

The Beast stupidly went around asking everyone except Ragan if they wouldn’t mind being the pawn. He might as well have asked: “Anyone want to hit themselves in the head with a hammer? It feels real good when you stop.” Outside of Texas, no one would say yes to that.

The Penguin doesn’t understand why The Beast doesn’t want to put up Bitchney. Boy is he married.

Nominations: The Beast listened to his Number one Adviser, the one in his pants, and nominated Ragan and The Penguin. I giggled. The Penguin actually thought The Brigade would outrank The Package. Welcome to the real world, Penguin.

In justifying it, The Beast said: “Enzo, you are great people.” Apparently he thinks no one person could be as lame as The Penguin. He must be plural.

Wednesday: The Penguin and Ragan, whom I am now renaming “The Whiner,” sat around and asked each other if they were “okay,” with all the portentous seriousness usually reserved for asking about imaginary terminal bone diseases. The Penguin wasn’t really needed in the conversation, since The Whiner has reached the point of whining out loud to himself when alone. Either that, or else the voices in his head have gotten so loud that now I can hear them.

The houseguests are so overwhelmingly bored, that for lack of anything to do, they held a “Shunning of the Penquin” ceremony when The Penguin’s week in the penguin suit ended. The Penguin said: “The Meow Meow gets to shun away from The Penguin, and gets to be himself again.” Not here. Here he shalt ever and forever be The Penguin, squawking menace to Gotham City’s good citizens. Also, it would appear that he’s not fully cognizant of the meaning of “shun”. Well, I’m sure he’ll find out what being shunned really means when he returns home after the series ends. He certainly will if he meets me.

Watching The Whiner cram for a possible exam was about as exciting as watching anyone cram for an exam.

Power of Veto Competition: The concept of Otev returned from last year, this time incarnated as a “Happy Singing Clam” that looked like a rejected dark-ride character from a low-budget Disneyland competitor. It involved singing clues to houseguests’ imacted names, retrieving muddy CDs, and climbing ramps made of what looked like ice.

The Whiner, this week’s target, he who is without allies, he who has pulled it out and won challenges in the clutch before, fouled up, and was almost eliminated in the first round. He was only saved by The Beast’s amazing stupidity, as he actually got the wrong answer-CD.

Hayden kept The Brigade Loser tradition alive, and went out in the second round.

Bitchney went out next, leaving the two nominees as the last two competitors, insuring a change in nominations. Could The Penguin actually win an individual competition?

In a world where clams sing, and Jimmy Fallon has his own TV show, anything can happen. The Penguin knew where the answer CD was from his earlier searches, and body-slammed The Whiner out of the way to get to it first. This is perfectly kosher play. It is, after all, full-contact Happy Singing Clam CD Retrieval.

When the impossible happened, and The Penguin won, The Whiner channeled his inner-Brendon-the-Sore-Loser, and hurled his last, loser CD at Otev the Clam, which sailed off of it, rebounding so that the hard edge of it slammed into The Penguin’s hairplugs. Hello Big Brother producers and watchdogs; that’s assault on a fellow player. Isn’t that an instant-removal-from-the-house offence, as well as behavior fit for 5 year olds?

And The Whiner was off to cry and babble his self-pity aloud to himself, in an effort to make himself as unpopular outside the house as he is inside the house. When will people learn that self-pity is a most-unappetizing emotion?

Bitchney put the screws to The Beast to keep her off of the block, as he was preparing to take a, it appeared, shower, fully-dressed. Of course, given the viral-internet popularity of a certain clip of The Beast – let’s say – scratching his ears in the shower, he may never shower naked again. That clip has now been seen by more people than have watched Janet Leigh shower at the Bates Motel. (Ms Leigh’s famous motel shower is also less creepy, given that The Beast uses pulling his ear to say “hello” to his mother. “Hi Mom! Still proud a me?”)

As soon as Bitchney was utterly assured she’d just be a 100% safe pawn, The Penguin began thinking it might be the right time to break up the third showmance, by sending out Bitchney.

The Second Punishment: Bitchney’s theory for the second punishment was: “We’re the only people left on earth.” That would indeed be a terrible punishment for them, and a narrow escape for the rest of us, when you consider that in a very few weeks now, they will all be released back into the wild with us! I just wonder, given what her theory was for the second punishment, what she did she think the third would be? Might number three be that there’s nothing left on earth to wear but hippie-tards and penguin suits?

Well, it wasn’t quite as bad as mankind being wiped out except for the five-least-deserving human specimens. No, it was — sock puppets!

Is this a punishment, a crafts project, or the pilot for Big Brother: Sesame Street? Each houseguest received a puppet that had some feature that suggested that houseguest. Bitchney’s had fake-blond, yarn hair. Hayden’s had the frizzies, The Penguin’s had what all took for cat whiskers, but which were actually the long nails that all of America watching Big Brother this summer would like to see hammered into The Penguin’s face if he ever opens his mouth or goes shirtless again (or maybe they’re supposed to be hairplugs), The Beast’s has a fist where most people would have a brain, and The Whiner’s hates itself.

The contestants had to speak only through the puppets for 24 hours. The Beast’s puppet was trying to eat an entire can of Pringle’s. Or, maybe it was just trying to choke itself to death, after what The Beast had made it do in the shower. Is Sock Puppet Rape a crime?

Meanwhile, as The Brigade tried to plot, their sock puppets were betraying their secrets to each other, and forming a secret sock-puppet alliance, the Top Left-Hand Drawer Alliance, and began laying plans to oust the puny humans, and have an all-sock-puppet final four. The Beast’s puppet was the new ringleader, since it had demonstrably more brains than the man using it.

The Whiner, desperate for a friend, tried to form an alliance with his own sock puppet, but Socks wasn’t having it. It’s not easy being made of an absorbent material when you’re being worn by a chronic crybaby. Having to sit on his hand and listen to The Whiner whine to it hour after hour was making Socks suicidal. (“I want my life back.” Oh yes, Whiner, quoting Tony Hayward. Good role model. No wonder your sock puppet wants to stage a coup.)

The Penguin’s sock puppet doesn’t get the appeal of golf. Me neither. Mark Twain called it “a good walk spoiled,” though judging from Tiger Woods’s last year, it’s more like “a good walk by the spoiled.” Man, is CBS desperate to fill out an hour of TV this week: puppets discussing how stupid golf is.

Said The Penguin’s sock puppet of golf: “I don’t know; it’s like another language to me.” Oh heavens, it’s like English to him.

I was sorry when the 24 hours ended. I was starting to like the sock puppets far more than the houseguests, but these socks were made for walking, and that’s just what they did. Next stop: eBay.

The Third Punishment: This punishment I dubbed “Mike Boogie Fever”. Music would start up at random times, and the houseguests had to “dance.” It’s the new hit series: Dancing With the Brigade. It had one good thing going for it: Bristol Palin wasn’t one of the “dancers.”

“Do I Fear a Waltz? Hayden Moss, Music Critic: “To make things even worse, classical music gets mixed in this bunch.” No comment from me required. But he added, as his horror at being subjected to a Strauss waltz mounted: “Like, did they even dance back then? I mean, what is that.?” It’s a waltz, you pathetic moron, a type of dance they did “back then.”

Why am I lying to the poor boy? He attends college in that bastion of forward-thinking, Arizona, which just re-elected John McCain, so we know they’re all really, really smart out there. And like allArizonians with higher education, he knows “dancing” was invented in 1986.

The Beast: “The music can come on any time of the day. It doesn’t matter if you’re napping, sleeping, swimming, lifting.” The Beast sees “sleeping” and “napping” as two different activities.” At least this finally gave us some night-vision shots of The Beast shirtless. I was beginning to fear that his brown t-shirt was a half-body tattoo.

Though no genius, nor even merely mentally-competent to make his own legal decisions, The Beast has realized that if he nominates Bitchney, his Brigade Brothers may very well take advantage of the chance to end Showmance 3: Bitchney and the Beast, and he’s not ready to end this fantasy romance made in Texarkana just yet. Hayden, still recovering from hearing the better part of a full minute of Deadly Classical Music the day before, is in no mood to have this further horror thrust on his still-weakened system.

Bitchney however, had the advantage over Hayden of pillow-talk wheedling, which now consisted of more iterations of “You like Hayden more than me.” I was waiting for “Why don’t you just marry Hayden, if you like him so much?” but CBS cut it. She finally nagged him into retreat: “I think we should go back to sleep.” Wait. Were they “sleeping” or “napping”? It looked more like napping to me, but I’m not the expert The Beast is. It may seem like a trivial question, but assume for a moment that you are Bitchney’s hapless fiancé back in Arkansas, which would sound worse to you: “I napped with Lane,” or “I slept with Lane”?

Veto Ceremony: The Penguin took himself off the block. I wondered if he would, or if he would forget. He’s not the best-sliced egg in the salad.

Sex triumphed again. The Beast nominated Hayden to replace The Penguin. He has now done what Mr. Mensa never did, betrayed all members of The Brigade. The last of loyalty is lying in the sock drawer.

The Whiner now realizes that there are “cracks in this boy’s alliance; and I’m going to do what I can to try to expose these cracks…” Oh Whiner; what a wellspring of gay stereotypes you have been all summer, from your bromance, to your whining, to your craybaby jags, and now, to your announcing your intentions to do all you can to expose the straight’s boys’ cracks. Start with The Beast’s, okay? There’s no rush on The Penguin’s.

Thursday: Back against the wall, no sock puppets left to conspire with, The Whiner must scramble his brains out to avoid eviction. He’s got to get his face deep down into those cracks, and spread them wide.

First The Whiner went to Bitchney. If he could swing her vote, it would go to The Beast to break the tie vote. The Whiner told Bitchney, that a final two of her and him would be the only way she’d have a chance to win. I’m not sure that’s true, but what do I know? I watch Big Brother.

Then The Whiner pitched to The Beast to betray The Brigade and break the tie in his favor. It would be a big move that would shake up the last few episodes.

Said The Beast: “Ragan’s got me thinking.” Wow. Talk about accomplishing the impossible! Someone should loose The Whiner on Paris Hilton.

Hoping to hear The Whiner whine about how miserable the sock puppets were, the Chenbot was disappointed when The Whiner enjoyed the sock puppets. Well of course he did; when he had his puppet, he had his only friend. She should have asked Hayden, who could have complained about the ear damage he suffered being subjected to classical music, and then he could have asked Miss Chen what people did back in the olden days before dancing was invented, when Julie was a little girl.

Said The Penguin of his penguin suit: “That was definitely a cool penguin.” I fear he is unaware that penguins come from polar regions, and thus that all penguins are cool.

We went out to the jury house this week, where Boobiac is lying about in the sun, her red-cellophane hair sparkling and melting in the afternoon glare, reading thick books full of chemicals and equations and stuff. The two blessed weeks I’ve gone since last hearing her shrill braying laugh ended in a teeth-jittering scream of a cackle, as the Boobster befouled my screen once again.

Boobiac told us, at length, how Mr. Mensa would be coming through the door, just before Kathy wandered in, hollering “There’s a new sheriff in town” in the severely-mistaken belief that it would sound cool, like a penguin.

Kathy got to drawl out to Boobiac about Mr. Mensa’s Diamond Power of Veto. Boobiac sad and mad. That’s bad, she’s sad. I’m glad she’s mad.

“I felt like a victim in a crime,” overstated Kathy, who took her blindside as equal to someone who’s just been raped or assaulted or murdered. If only she’d said: “I feel just a like a murder victim.”

Then we jumped ahead a week, to when Mr. Mensa arrived to enter a mansion in which these two annoying broads (Honey, those women are broads!) have made themselves at home for a week. Before long, the poor man may be wishing he himself had an imaginary bone disease.

“He broke my heart,” said Kathy of Mr. Mensa, because he was playing for himself to win instead of for her to win. To the best of my knowledge he did not pledge to marry her and then dumped her at the alter. Get over yourself, drama sheriff.

But Kathy’s high-horse is about to be saddled up and ridden hard, for the time has come for Mr. Mensa to ‘fess up that the wife’s bone disease story was a put-on, and to face Kathy’s Wrath, for she, as a cancer-survivor herself, was deeply offended! She rode her high-horse over him backwards and forwards.

I felt most-conflicted. On the one hand, I find Kathy annoying in the extreme. Her very voice grates on me, and her showing in the game, her being a literal dead-weight to be dragged about lifeless in challenge after challenge, has left me with little respect for her game play. Her tantrums here I find wildly inflated for maximum drama.

But there’s the small point that, morally, she’s right. What Mr. Mensa did was despicable, and he deserves some shunning for it.

He, however, simply views it from a point-of-view so radically different from Kathy’s, that she can no more conceive of it that we can accurately picture a cube with five dimensions. She sees it as pissing on every genuinely gravely-ill person on earth. He sees it as no big thing, a lark. What it was, was a poorly-thought-out gambit in extremely bad taste, without the redeeming quality of satire.

Boobiac said of Mr. Mensa’s Big Lie: “Like, you’re the most-horrible person I’ve ever met in my life right now.” This put-down is even more terribly stinging when you consider that Boobiac has met herself.

Said Kathy: “That’s not a strategy; that’s just cruelness. That’s cruelness.” If you’re wondering what “cruelness” is, it’s “cruelty” as mentioned by someone who only knows 12 English words.

After saying he regretted it “because it didn’t pay out,” Mr. Mensa’s lame defense included: “I was going to donate money to the foundation for that disease…” He was going to donate money? Sorry National Foundation for Imaginary Diseases of the Skeleton, but your imaginary disease didn’t get me enough sympathy votes to stay in the house, so no soup for you!

Kathy went on, not having finished grossly overdramatising Mr. Mensa’s lie: “There is not enough money in the world that would sell my soul to the devil, and that right there is pretty close to it.”

Oh please. He told a bad-taste lie which offended Kathy, and no doubt many others. However, offending people isn’t the same as hurting or damaging people. Telling the Nazis the Jews are hiding in the attic for some cash and getting out of town alive, that’s selling your soul to the devil.

Yet I suspect Kathy’s statement: “There is not enough money in the world that would sell my soul to the devil,” is literally true. The Devil would command a price beyond all the value of earth to put up with being stuck sharing Hell with Kathy for eternity. May I leave the jury house now?

No. Because Mr. Mensa witheld the surprise double-eviction, so we could have the full bittersweet overindulgence of the Branchel reunion, a moment more delayed than the reunion of Sun and Jin on Lost. Hopefully, like Sun and Jin, Brendon and Boobiac will drown before the final episode.

Watching the shaving of Brendon’s head, Mr. Mensa observed that he “looks like a penis.” Boobiac was grossed out, although it was clearly true, and accounts for her mad passion for him.

The Chenbot asked The Beast if he was playing dumber than he actually is, though I don’t see how anything that is still breathing could play dumber than he actually is, but he said: “Oh I’m definitely playing the half-a-dodo part.” So, only half his dumb act is an act. The other half is real dodo. “I gotta bring brains back,” added The Beast. Has he a glass gallon jar somewhere in his luggage, labeled “Abnormal Brain. Do Not Use! From Texas!”

Eviction Ceremony: Bitchney caved, and The Beast was saved from having to extend his treachery against The Brigade. The Whiner was voted out unanimously.

The Chenbot asked The Whiner a lot of questions about Mr. Mensa, and he reaffirmed his respect and love for Mr. Mensa “because whenever Matt and I had conversations, they came from a real, genuine place.” You could feel The Chenbot encouraging The Whiner to lay it on with a trowel, to prepare for the moment when the entire jury house will gleefully inform him of Mr. Mensa’s Big Lie, while Mensie stands there, sheepishly smirking. Tune in for that next week.

Head of Household Competition: This was another lengthy task which could not be completed before the end of the show. It was Christmas-themed, appropriate considering that the temperature in Studio City was in the low hundreds. They had to maneuver delicate glass Christmas ornaments through chickenwire. Bitchney was at a tremendous disadvantage because of her long fingernails. She couldn’t grip the ornaments, and kept dropping them. And the ones she grasped firmly enough not to drop, she shattered with her nails. By the time the episode ended, the ground outside her chickenwire looked like the rubble following a bar fight between gay elves. She hasn’t got a chance, and winning Head of Household may be her only hope to survive next week.

Only two more Big Brother columns still to come: next Friday’s, and then the Monday following for the finale. Until then, cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.

Read more: Puppets, Reality TV, Big Brother 12 Episode 24, Julie Chen, The Penguin, Mensa Society, Cbs, Big Brother 12, Texas, Psycho, Big Brother 12 Episode 25, Janet Leigh, Big Brother 12 Episode 23, Sock Puppets, Entertainment News, Batman, Big Brother, Entertainment News

Internet Petitions Stephen Colbert To Hold ‘Restoring Truthiness’ Rally At Lincoln Memorial

A grassroots campaign has begun to get Stephen Colbert to hold a rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial to counter Glenn Beck’s recent “Restoring Honor” event. The would-be rally has been dubbed “Restoring Truthiness” and was inspired by a recent post on Reddit, where a young woman wondered if the only way to point out the absurdity of the Tea Party’s rally would be if Colbert mirrored it with his own “Colbert Nation.”

Now with its own website and Facebook group with over 8,000 members, the call for Colbert to hold a rally is spreading through the Internet like wildfire. Aside from being a satire of Beck’s rally, the petition claims the rally is necessary because, “Recently our nation has suffered a truthiness drain.”

The website gives a history of the newly founded movement, with links to news stories and a poster for the rally, which proposes the date “10/10/10.” The website also states:

“Restoring Truthiness is a true grassroots movement propelled by YOU, the citizens of the internetz. Our goal is simple: Petition Stephen Colbert to hold a Restoring Truthiness Rally for the American people.”

Given Colbert’s love for his “Nation” and ability to satire the Right so effectively, this almost seems like something Colbert would have thought of himself. While he is on vacation at the moment, it will be interesting to see if he addresses the petition when he returns to host “The Colbert Report” next week.

Those interested in furthering the movement have been asked to join the Facebook group, spread the word, or email support@colbertrally.com for more information.

Read more: Stephen Colbert, Colbert Restoring Truthiness, Anti-Tea Party Rally, Colbert Lincoln Memorial Rallly, Colbert Rally, Colbert Beck Restoring Honor, Colbert Beck Rally, Colbert Rally 101010, Colbert Lincoln Memorial Speech, Colbert Resotring Truthiness, Colbert Restoring Honor Rally, Glenn Beck, Colbert Truthiness Rally, Comedy News

‘Delocated’ Star Jon Glaser Talks New Season On Fallon (VIDEO)

Last night on “Late Night,” comedian Jon Glaser came on to talk to Jimmy Fallon about the new season of his Adult Swim show “Delocated.” Glaser created and stars in the faux-reality show about a family in the Witness Protection Program which forces them to wear ski masks and undergo voice modulation to conceal their identities.

Glaser entertained Fallon by showing off a patriotic motorcycle jumpsuit from the show and a sexy billboard, which he admitted has nothing to do with the show itself. Glaser is no stranger to the “Late Night” show — he wrote and performed on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” for many years. “Delocated” is on Adult Swim on Sunday nights at 10 p.m.

WATCH:

Read more: Delocated, The Roots, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, Late Night Shows, Cartoon Network, Adult Swim, Comedy News, Jimmy Fallon, Comedy News

Lee Stranahan: Note to CNN: Hand Jon Stewart the Keys to Your Failing Network

The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart is America’s most trusted news anchor and if CNN wants to stay alive, they should put the Emmy winner in charge of their network for a month or so.

Sure, Stewart is comedian but unlike Fox New’s Glenn Beck at least he’s a successful comedian.  And in addition to the fact that CNN’s ratings are a joke, there are solid reasons for giving the comic some sort of guest editor status at the Cable News Network. Stewart is in the line of American comedians like Will Rogers, Lenny Bruce, George Carlin and Bill Hicks who used humor to speak truth to power.

In fact, Stewart’s already spoken that truth to CNN, six years ago. Here’s what Stewart said to the hosts of Crossfire about their show and their network in 2004 discussing why they are ‘bad’.

“It’s not so much that it’s bad but it’s hurting America. Stop hurting America. Right now you’re helping the politicians and the corporations. You’re not too rough on them. You arere part of their strategy. You are partisan hacks. I’m here to confront you because we need help from the media and you’re hurting us.”

The audience broke into unscripted applause at that point. They know — hell, we all know — that the weak tea theatrical media is hurting America. We don’t take CNN seriously because it isn’t serious. It’s a puppet show. It’s pro wrestling. It’s the okey-doke.

None of this is a problem for Fox News because despite their smirk and a wink “fair and balanced” BS, we all know what we’re getting when we turn on Fox. It’s intentionally slanted. That is its strength. It’s just unashamedly what it is. Republicans and their media arm Fox News proudly fight to gut Social Security and transfer money from the middle class to the rich by extending the Bush tax cuts. They make no bones about what they are doing.

On the other side, we have gutless cuckolded Democrats who are unwilling to stick their neck out on issues like real financial regulation, single-payer health care or gay-rights. Those issues aren’t that controversial in much of the world but Democrats cower from them and they are aided by a similarly gutless cuckolded media, exemplified by CNN, whose idea of journalistic objectivity is to let partisan mouthpieces bicker between commercial breaks.

We live in an age of the one-sided battle and it’s hurting America. Republicans with no real agenda are poised to win the midterms based solely on aggressive, self-confident bluster. It’s a façade, but that looks like leadership to a lot of people when compared to Democrats who stand for nothing but the faint hope of reelection by being not as bad as the other guys.

The proper role of the news media is to keep people informed about the reality behind media spin and part of the job is to expose both the Democratic and Republican parties for their unique forms of hypocrisy. That’s what The Daily Show does so well and what CNN does so poorly. It’s time to let Stewart and team shake things up in Atlanta. Open minded, smart irreverence would do a much better job of tackling the news.

Take the August slow news month controversy about the “Ground Zero Mosque”. The Daily Show has been absolutely nailing it on the story, including doing the journalistic work of revealing that the supposedly terror funding source behind the Islamic cultural Center is none other than Fox News’s number two shareholder.

Meanwhile, CNN covers Glenn Beck’s rally.

The feeling that The Daily Show fans often have is “why the hell isn’t the real news covering this story this well?” The ‘real’ news media is losing its audience because there’s simply no good answer to that question.

Read more: Jon Stewart, Cnn, Crossfire, Fox News, Glenn Beck, Paul Begala, Cable News, Democrats, The Daily Show, CNN Ratings, Tucker Carlson, Republicans, Media News

Jon Gosselin To Kate: Give Me $50K Or I’ll Report You To Child Services, Says Ex

UPDATE: Hailey has responded to Jon’s accusation that she is lying.

“Look, the documents and the evidence speak for itself,” she told Radar.

Jon declined to comment on the story before it was published, Radar reports.

PREVIOUSLY: Jon Gosselin allegedly threatened to report ex-wife Kate to Child Protective Services if she pay him off, Radaronline.com reports.

Jon’s ex-girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, tells Radar that Jon tried to extort Kate when their daughter Mady hurt her arm. Jon planned to tell CPS that Kate had caused the injury by yanking on Mady’s arm.

“We were in bed and Jon called Kate on speaker phone,” Hailey said. “He wrote down what he wanted to say to her and then he read from his notes. He told her, ‘You either give me money, or I’m going to call CPS.'”

Hailey provided Radar with handwritten notes, allegedly from Jon, that support her story. The notes (see part of one below, click here for the rest) say things like “Need 50k or 100k now. 24/48 hours go to DA” and “Jon giving Kate ultimatums. He privately extorts Kate. If you don’t do what I want, I’ll do this…”

“He always referred to himself in the third person,” Hailey said. “I found it so strange. It was almost like he thought he was still on camera.”

Jon took to Twitter Wednesday to deny Hailey’s claims.

“Radaronline has been duped again by Hailey Glassman, who is apparently without a job and desperate for money,” he wrote. “This article contains so many lies, they are too numerous to count. It is completely false and without any merit.”

PHOTO:

Read more: Reality Television, Reality TV, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Jon and Kate Gosselin Divorce, Jon and Kate, Jon Gosselin Extortion, Hailey Glassman, Kate Gosselin Child Services, Entertainment News