Category Archives: Tv Shows

Rob Simone Appears on the new Hit TV Show “Unsealed” The Conspiracy Files

Rob will appear on “Unsealed” on Jan. 27th 11pm Nation-wide.

On April 8, 2011 the FBI unveiled the Vault, declassifying decades of top secret government documents for the first time.

These documents cover topics that have plagued conspiracy theorists for the past decades. The files also contain thousands of reports of UFO sightings and alien activity. The Alien Files and The Conspiracy Files will uncover the truth of these secret documents and offer a first hand look on the mysteries of the universe.

Look for future episodes where Rob talks about his new cryptozoology cases in South America and the Europe!

Unsealed TV Show

Unsealed Files will launch in the Fall. Check your local listings.
About the Show: Conspiracy Files

Unsealed: Conspiracy Files shines a light on dozens of mysterious, previously top secret case files released by the government in April, 2011 as a result of the Freedom of Information Act. Each week, Unsealed: Conspiracy Files will investigate one compelling conspiracy theory by opening these and other sensitive, confidential files.

Based on the new information discovered, the show re-examines faulty assumptions, searches for inconsistencies, and explores new leads. The show taps a team of experts, which has harnessed the burgeoning power of new technologies to take their research farther then ever anticipated.

Unsealed: Conspiracy Files … welcome to the world of Conspiracy.

Jon Stewart To Bill O’Reilly: On Fox News ‘You’re Left-Wing’

Jon Stewart returned to “The O’Reilly Factor” Wednesday for a lively discussion with Bill O’Reilly.

The conversation started with the Fox News host asking Stewart if he has “Obama remorse” after having voted for him in 2008. Stewart replied that he was not remorseful, but that “I agree with the sentiment that he ran as a visionary, and he’s led as a functionary.”

However, he mocked O’Reilly’s view that Obama has failed to connect to “the folks” such as O’Reilly himself.

“You’re just making things up! When was the last time you even visited Levittown, Bill?” (“Sunday!” O’Reilly interjected.) “How long are you going to play this fable that you’re ‘just a guy?'”

Later, O’Reilly asked Stewart why he seemed to be less of a target for liberals than he used to be:

O’Reilly: “Isn’t it interesting that a couple of years ago I was target No. 1? Now I’m like 15 on the list. … Did I lose my edge or have I been overtaken by brighter people?”

Stewart: “I wouldn’t say brighter … You’ve been overtaken by a more extreme version of you. You’re like Fox 1.0. You’re the beta version. Fox 2.0 has jumped over you to an extent that I don’t think you could ever dream of, and, frankly, I think you fear. I think deep down inside you can’t believe what you’ve unleashed…on this network, you’re left-wing.”

Joan E. Dowlin: Putting a Smiley Face on the Tea Party

It all seemed a little strange on August 28th. Glenn Beck insisted his “Restoring Honor 8/28” rally was a revival meeting, not a “political” event, even though it was backed by such “political” organizations as Freedom Works and featured a speech by one of the most “political” faces of the Tea Party movement, Sarah Palin, and it took place in “political” Washington DC at the Lincoln Memorial, the very spot that Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. gave his famous “political” speech, “I Have a Dream,” 47 years ago.

Don’t get me wrong. I am glad it was a peaceful march and am thrilled that conservatives (I am assuming most at this rally would call themselves that) are embracing the ideals of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. It’s just that I am very confused.

Did the same TV and radio talk show host that has been blasting our first African American president for over a year, calling him a Socialist, Marxist, Nazi, Black Liberation theology proponent, radical and, yes, even racist (which it has only taken him 13 months to apologize for) actually plan a religious rally honoring Dr. King, and say he, Glenn Beck, was going to “reclaim civil rights?”

Did he evoke the name of God and speak about faith, hope, and charity and not include gays, atheists, Jews, Buddhists, and Muslims who are also Americans?

Were the rally participants the same people that showed up for previous Tea Party marches with signs (now forbidden by Beck) depicting President Barack Obama as Hitler and the joker? What about the NRA backers with the “We Come in Peace, This Time” signs?

How about those who spat on African American Representative John Lewis (D-Ga.) while calling him the n-word and openly gay Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass.) the f-word outside the Capitol when Health Care was being passed? Were they there?

If so, this is the most amazing transformation of a movement that I have ever seen. We have gone from screaming, in your face, health care town hall meeting protesters to peaceful, God revering Christians who love Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and the civil rights movement.

I wonder how many of these “Restoring Honor” participants were at the original “I Have a Dream” speech of Dr. King? How many watched it on TV and what did they or their older friends and relatives think then?

Excuse my skepticism, but something here does just not add up. I do not doubt Glenn Beck in his sincerity and his religious beliefs. He has every right to lead a rally in DC (even at the same location as Dr. King).

But the timing of this event with the midterm elections being so near and the recent bad press that the Tea Party has gotten after being accused of racism by the NAACP makes me wonder if this is somehow not a staged event to put a smiley face on the Tea Party movement. On Bill O’Reilly’s Fox News show, Charles Krauthammer stated that the rally showed the positive side of the Tea Party. I began to question if this is the new GOP talking point and that the whole thing was orchestrated by the neo-cons or the right wing powers to be that are trying to win over swing voters.

Sure Glenn Beck was the planner, but what better spokesperson for Fox and friends than a popular TV host who claims God is using him to lead Americans out of the wilderness of moral emptiness into a Promised Land where capitalists can once again roam free without the pesky interference of big government? Just how gullible do they think the American people are?

As Arianna Huffington stated in her post “Glenn Beck, President Obama, and the Hunger for Purpose in Times of Transition”, Beck’s rally may serve as a means to fill a void for Americans whose values and way of life are being threatened by this turbulent economy and time of transition.

If Glenn Beck has had an epiphany and has embraced Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and the ideals of the civil rights movement (which was political and spiritual, by the way), I just have a few questions. Does this mean that you, Mr. Beck, will now support our President and stop calling him names and stop mocking his daughter (after complaining that Palin’s family should be off limits)? Do you support gay rights, freedom of religion, nuclear disarmament, peace in the Middle East, affirmative action, and the end of racial profiling? Do you support Wall Street reform, Health Care reform, Immigration reform, ending war, and regulating safety in oil drilling? Do you support clean energy and being good stewards of our planet?

If you can answer in the affirmative to all of the above, then maybe I can become a “believer” in your vision of “Faith, Hope, and Charity”. Until then, we can never achieve the ideals of “equality” and the “pursuit of happiness” that our beloved Founding Fathers spoke of.

And as a liberal, gay, Christian American, I have an abiding faith in God, too; a God that created us all: black, white, gay, straight, male, female, Jew, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist, conservative, and liberal. I believe the Founding Fathers wanted us all to share in the American dream and I know that Dr. King’s dream and spirit are still alive guiding us toward a true “Promised Land.”

Read more: Tea Party, Restoring Honor 8/28, President Obama, Charles Krauthammer, Freedom Works, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Arianna Huffington, Glenn Beck, I Have a Dream, Bill O'Reilly, Sarah Palin, Politics News

Meghan McCain Takes Shot At Bristol Palin On ‘The Daily Show With Jon Stewart’ (VIDEO)

Meghan McCain has been stirring up controversy with her new book, “Dirty Sexy Politics,” which tells the story of the 2008 presidential campaign through the eyes of a nominee’s daughter.

McCain made a visit to the “Daily Show” on Thursday, telling host Jon Stewart that she wanted her dad to pick Joe Lieberman as his running mate. Instead, GOP nominee John McCain picked Sarah Palin.

The younger McCain has already railed against Palin on TV this week, so this time she took aim at a fellow campaign daughter — Bristol Palin. When Stewart suggested that McCain was hard on herself in the book, she replied:

“I was not on my best behavior the whole time. I wasn’t always acting like I should. But when you’re sent to an image consultant and it’s said that you look like a stripper and you talk bad and you’re hurting the campaign, when there’s a pregnant teen there, it does a little bit to your self esteem.”

It was revealed that Bristol Palin was pregnant shortly after her mom was picked to run for vice president.


<td style='padding:2px 1px 0px 5px;' colspan='2'Meghan McCain
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

Read more: Meghan McCain, Video, Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Meghan McCain Daily Show, Bristol Palin, Meghan McCain Jon Stewart, Sarah Palin, Meghan Mccain Bristol Palin, Books News

Tallulah Morehead: Big Brother 12 : “One of My Good Dogs,” The 8-Second Man

This was an odd week, as the penultimate week always is. We had a live eviction on Wednesday, then a second live show without an eviction on Thursday. Just one more column, I keep telling myself, and I’ll never have to see or hear or discuss Boobiac ever again.

Sunday: Britney never had a chance at this Decorate-Your-Xmas-Tree challenge. I’ll give her this, she passed the ever-lame Penguin.

Poor Beast. He had to emcee the HOH contest, which meant using big words like “ornament,” and “breaks,” and “supercalifragilisticexpialadocous.” “Christmas ornaments! I hate that word!” said the Beast, unable to count to two.

Bitchney: “I’ve been called a ‘ball-buster’ before, but who knew that I was actually that good at it?” What’s your fiancé’s name again, darling? And the name of every boy you’ve ever dated? And every waiter who has ever had to take your order?

Hayden credits 22 years of experience decorating Christmas trees for his runaway lead, though it took him two tries at the mathematical poser: 24 – 2 = ? to get the answer right. So, is he telling us that for 22 years, he was never allowed near a Christmas ornament nor tree except through chicken wire? It seems an odd condition to lay down, but perhaps his parents knew best. After all, some Christmas music is actually that dreaded Classical Music, aka “Hayden’s Bane”! What if Handel’s Messiah came on without warning, and Hayden suffered a seizure that sent him spiraling out of control into the family Christmas Tree? Then, that chicken wire might be all that could save Christmas!

Hayden’s years of experience at stuffing his fingers through the wire mesh of his various cages paid off, and he became the Head of Household. He asked us: “When I busted into this joint, did you ever think I would make it this far?” No, Hayden, I didn’t. If I had, I might have taken my own life then and there.

Having become aware that perhaps there are not “500 dead presidents with my name on them,” as The Penguin announced back in episode one, he now has to figure a way to spin reality where he can still be the winner, even though he’s going to lose.

“I’m just happy just to be part of de Brigade. I’m happy to even come up with de name … Boom! Boom! Bra-Gade. When Hayden wins, dat’s like me winnin’!” Ironically, it’s also him losing! “We’re de Brigade. I started dis ting from de beginning. I’m de mastermind of de whole Brigade!” Actually Mr. Mensa was the mastermind of The Brigade. That’s why they got rid of him. They didn’t dare compete with someone smart.

Speaking of being a Mastermind, here’s a tidbit The Penguin said to Bitchney this week, heard on the live feeds and told back to me, sadly not used on CBS. It seems (prepare for a shock!) that both Bitchney and The Penguin have ambitions to become actors. What are the odds? The Penguin asked Bitchney: “What kind of actor are you going to be, a methodist?”

He’s a mastermind!

Bitchney was now channeling her inner-Ragan, and having a teary self-pity party, though she at least understood that it was an immature reaction.

Hayden is not the only houseguest facing the horrors of complex higher mathematics. Said The Beast: “There’s no word that could describe how excited I am, ’cause I’m in The Final Four. I have one out of – what is it? – Three chances? Or four? I get them mixed up. Like, do I count myself? ‘Cause I can beat myself, so do I count myself?” He can beat himself, and has, as many a You Tube visitor has seen him do in the shower. But should he count himself? It’s not an easy answer. A number representing him would probably be an imaginary number, so I say, no, don’t count him.

Luxury Competition: $10,000 will buy you some luxury. The Beast is almost showering at the idea: “A chance to win ten grand? You know how many cases of beer I can buy with that? Plus Muscle Milk? Oh my gosh. This is Heaven.” No wonder I’m not religious.

This game was just a pimped-up version of hide-and-seek, with coins instead of people. At some point in the past The Penguin may have played this, so he knew he had it smoked. “The Meow Meow doesn’t get his name for nothin’. Hide-and-Seek is my game. Let’s do it.”

All the houseguests picked good hiding places. The Penguin hid his behind some huge metal wall-sculpture that will remain in place until the house is demolished. Hayden put his into an unopened cereal box. The Beast hid his in the trash. Bitchney combined the Hayden and Beast approaches, and hid hers in a cereal box in the trash. Hayden later did her the favor of hiding it more for her by taking the garbage outside, and dumping it in the bin.

The Penguin found Hayden’s coin.

Poor Beast, he said that the contest was so long “It’s like waiting for the ending of one of the Harry Potter movies. It’s forever!” Does he mean the wait for the next movie, or the wait once the movie starts, for it to end? I suppose it wouldn’t occur to him to just read the books, like every other ten year old in the world has.

Bitchney found The Penguin’s coin and eliminated him. So much for it being “The Meow-Meow’s Game.”

Then Bitchney found The Beast’s coin, and won the $10,000. The Penguin was pissed, and indulged in a little Diary Room sour graping: “Okay, Britney, you won. Good for you. Now you got ten Gs, another target on your back. You just won a vacation to the Jury House. See ya!” And this differed from her situation before the challenge how? Oh yes. She has the $10,000 that The Beast just lost. She was already fated to the Jury House unless she wins the next POV. But then, I’m sure The Penguin will win the next POV challenge. If this be madness, yet there’s Methodism in it.

CBS used five minutes of national air time to show us Hayden, The Penguin, and Bitchney having an energetic pillow fight.

Hayden finally proposed to The Penguin turning on The Beast, and keeping Bitchney. It had to come, though I never saw the reason being that he might be too smart for them. I’m not saying The Beast isn’t smarter than Hayden and The Penguin, I’m just saying that those would be the only two people on earth he might be smarter than.

Nominations: Bitchney and The Beast were nominated. Showmance #3 is on the block. Hayden loves everybody there.

Wednesday: This was a special, live eviction show.

Bitchney’s plan is to win POV. Good plan. The Beast’s plan is for Bitchney to win POV. Brave warrior, oh Texan one. The Beast has let more of his true self show this week. It made me pine for the days when he kept his mouth closed, and I could pretend there was a nice dumb guy in there, instead of the uncivilized creature who has emerged. Trust me. We will be discussing The Beast’s “8-Second Game” before we are done.

The Wisdom of Hayden Moss: Hayden to The Beast: “I hope me, you, and Enzo can get in the Final Three, because then that means that we got a good shot to get in The Final Two.” There is no arguing with this pointless statement.

Lazing back on a well-padded chaise lounge, by a swimming pool and a Jacuzzi, well fed and well-wined, mellowed-out, in loose, comfy clothes, outside his air-conditioned home, while enjoying the very-warm summer evening, The Penguin said: “I feel like a Spartan goin’ to war tamarraw.” I have seldom witnessed anything more Spartan in my life. I see my Facebook chum and future ex-husband Gerard Butler screaming to the gods: “We are Sparta! Tonight we dine in STUDIO CITY!!!!!!

The Beast told Hayden and The Penguin he wanted to go in and take a shower, but he didn’t want to leave them alone to plot behind his back. The Beast should stop mentioning the shower altogether. Whenever he says he wants to take a shower now, it makes all America giggle, like Beavis and Butthead hearing the word “teabag.”

Bitchney tried brokering a save-her-butt deal with Hayden, to take her off the block, by playing numbers games with him to make it sound like he’d beat her in the final round. She told Hayden that The Penguin would win unanimously. What a horrible thought. Could a jury reward such terrible game play over Hayden, who has at least won three HOHs? Or was Bitchney just snowing The Frizzied One?

Said Bitchney of The Penguin: “Enzo played a very different game than everybody, but he played an immaculate game.”

He did play “a very different game” than the other players. They were playing Big Brother; he was playing Big Loser. It was like they were playing Scrabble (a stretch for most of them, I know), and The Penguin was playing 52 Pick-Up.

And what is playing “an immaculate game”? Is she planning to tell her fiancé that The Beast’s Love Cub was immaculately conceived?

Power of Veto Competition: A vital competition, since the winner decides who goes home and who stays into the Final Three.

Movie Marquee asked simple and not-so-simple questions about the housemates, and the players had to choose two-faced posters (perfect for these two-faced players) to line up for answers. Perfectly good quiz, and Bitchney has a real shot at it.

Except that rather than adopt a policy of get-the-first-one-absolutely-right, slide in answer, and move on, she decided to get all the answers before sliding in any posters. Plus she had no sense of urgency, and went at it like an afternoon’s crafts project, setting out all her materials, organizing her tools, doing everything but spreading out newspapers on her workspace. The result: She had no answers at all slid in when Hayden rang in for the win. The Penguin did better than she did, and he got five-out-of-seven answers wrong!

But The Beast was the most-pathetic. He doesn’t retain memories like a fully-evolved homo sapian. His family are planning to use home videos to reintroduce themselves to him when he comes back to Texas next week. They know that to The Beast there is tomorrow, today, yesterday, and “Ago”. And “Ago” is just a gray blankness. So he figured out the answers to exactly none of the questions. He is lucky to remember who he himself is.

By his own testimony, The Beast got into an argument with his own brain. I don’t know which horse to back in that race!

The Beast: “My brain is mixin’ me up! My brain is backstabbin’ me! My brain is throwin’ this. It’s throwin’ it for me! I’m thinkin’, I know that answer; my brain’s sayin’: ‘No, you don’t.’ I’m thinkin’, yes I do.”

I’m thinking his brain is right. He should stop arguing with it and try listening to it. It can’t be more wrong all the time than he is.

Lord of Delusions: Bitchney: “Even though I didn’t win the Power of Veto, I still feel like I have a really good chance of staying in the house, because I’m really close with both Hayden and Lane, and I don’t think that Enzo realizes that he could still end up being the person who goes home this week.” Aren’t they adorable when they’re that deluded? How has she never come up against a boy’s club before? Has she never heard of “bros before hos,” the motto, both in gameplay and in Life, of The Brigade? Bitchney is about to get a very jarring awakening.

The Brigade, flush with victory in their winnowing down the house to just themselves without anyone ever learning of their existence, decided to come out to Bitchney. I can’t think why they feel compelled to do this. It’s not like it’s gonna be a vote-winner with them. (That anything might lose you jury votes is not a concept that ever sinks into The Penguin: “Hello. My name is Enzo. I engineered your blindside eviction. I hope I have your vote.”)

What it is is this: The Penguin has won almost nothing all season, except a lovely flat-screen 3-D TV. So The Brigade’s victory, must be his personal victory, and He Who Created The Brigade From The Dust, and Lo, It Was Good, must brag about it to someone, and Bitchney is the only person he can brag to about it.

So the whole point of telling Bitchney was really just so The Penguin could preen. The Beast would have preferred drowning himself, or drowning The Penguin, and the Penguin didn’t even wait for Hayden to arrive to spill his guts. “Personally for me, I think it’s greatness,” said The Penguin, oblivious to the emotions rising in Bitchney as she contemplated the depth of their deceit, realizing that the alliances she thought she was forming hither and yon were always being trumped by the silent voting unanimity of The Brigade, and faced her own inevitable eviction.

Even Bitchney has admitted in subsequent interviews that her first reaction was not her best, as she tearfully whined the boys an earful of angry self-pity between sobs: “I mean, how does it feel to know that you just wasted three months, and you have no shot at $500,000, and it’s the only reason you came here? And it’s like a guarantee, to know 100% you’re going home? That you came all this way for no reason? I left my fiancé, my family.”

How does it feel? My guess is that it feels exactly like every evicted houseguest feels: how Boobiac feels, for instance, how Brendon feels, how Monet feels, how Andrew feels, how Mr. Mensa feels, he who now has no money to donate to the foundation for his wife’s imaginary bone disease. And you didn’t come for “no reason.” You won $10,000 a few days ago. I’d hate to be wailing my eyes out in angry, aggrieved self-pity less than a week after winning $10,000. I’d hope still to be in a good mood, or unconscious, or both.

For the record, I know exactly how it feels to know I’ve wasted three months. I know what it’s like to wake up not remembering the last three months. I know what it’s like to wake up not remembering the last 24 months. I’ll be damned if I can remember anything at all of the 1970s! Did I miss anything good? And I can assure you, I have no shot at $500,000 in the immediate future either. But you don’t see me getting all whiny and self righteous about it, do you?

And then, we beheld the emotional depths of The Beast, and learned his True Regard for The Fair Sex.

The Beast: “To see Britney hurt that bad, was like one of my good dogs died. It crushed me.”

“To see Britney hurt that bad, was like one of my good dogs died.”

At least it was one of his good dogs. It would be terrible if hurting Britney was only like one of his bad dogs died.

Let’s talk about Lane Elenberg, whom, thanks to The Penguin, I’ve been calling The Beast all summer long. I’ve wanted to like him. Gee, how I wanted to like him. He is gorgeous, no question about it. His shoulders are larger than my head. He has a country charm to him. He can be quite funny. He’s upfront that he’s stupid.

But stuff kept coming out of his mouth, about the joys of getting liquored up on Saturday night (I’m with you so far), and then careening about roads and fields in a pickup truck, shining a light about and then shooting at “anything that looks like it has eyes.” (I’m off of this bus!)

We began to get a clear sense that his idea of a good time is going to bars and picking fights and beating up strangers, a job he’s certainly built to win every time.

This week on the live feeds was an amazing conversation betwixt our lovely Brigadesters and a clearly reluctant and disgusted Bitchney, on what The Beast calls “The 8-Second Game,” which CBS saw fit not to broadcast. Let’s see what you would call it. (I’ve edited it down some):

Lane: “You ever play the.. 8 second game with her?”

Enzo : “What’s the 8 second game? … You gotta drop.. Oh.. The 8 second game, when you pull your pants down and.. uh.. I forgot. What is it, yo? What’s 8 seconds?”

Lane: “Four of your buddies bring a girl back..”

Enzo : “Oh, ok”

Lane : “…and then you get her in the bed, and all of us are waitin’ at the door, and we bust in on ya, and you gotta hold the girl down for 8 seconds.”

Enzo: “Oh!”

Lane: “You know, cuz the girl’s tryin’ to squirm and tryin’ to get under the covers..”

Enzo: “Oh sh**! I’m definitely gonna do that.”

Lane: “8 second ___”

Enzo: “Oh! I wanna do that. You just hold her down? Down?”

Lane: “Yeah.”

Enzo: “Isn’t that rape?”

The Beast laughs uproariously. It goes on, and gets more graphic, but the ending is the stinger:

Enzo: “Nah.. I’d be divorced. I can’t do that.”

Lane: “She has to ride back with you.”

Britney: “If that happened to me, I would kill myself.”

Lane: “It’s all fun and games.”

Did that sound like “fun and games” to you? It sounded like sexual assault to me. The Beast is a beast. It’s not a joke. It’s not fun and games. It’s subhuman.

If you’re planning on voting for “America’s Favorite,” think of “The 8-Second Game” before you vote.

But I digress…

Final Veto Meeting: This was the beginning of beauty-pageant-pro Bitchney’s Veto Meeting speech, which she knew would really be her house farewell address: “I would also like to say hi to my mom, brothers, Dad, all my family, I love you guys, my friends, I miss you so much, and I’ll see ya soon. I can’t wait!” Conspicuous by his absence was her fiancé, What’s-His-Name. She gave The Beast a lot of airtime, but had not one syllable for the Love of Her Life.

And she said she was sorry she couldn’t have been “an original member of The Brigade,” nor a later one. She lacked the most-basic requirement for entry into any boy’s club. She wasn’t a boy. There was no doubt of her not-boyness. She has no trace of an Adam’s apple.

Anyway, she also had no trace of a hope, and was evicted. All were adults about it, and swore undying love. She repented of her teary eyeworks and went out campaigning for “America’s Favorite.”

Final Head of Household Challenge, Level One: This part of the challenge had me roaring with laughter. The three remaining Brigade members dangled from ropes, while getting slammed hard into canvas walls. When they hit the wall, they were lifted to slide the other direction, and slam into the canvas wall at that end. Last contestant left clinging to life advances to the final challenge, while the early fall-offs faced off in Level Two.

Then they started up a waterfall they had to roll through on their way towards slamming into the next wall. It was like the least-popular thrill ride at Disney’s California Adventure: The Grand Slammer!

We’ve been having triple digit temperatures for the last couple weeks, and that waterfall might have been refreshing, except the heat waved broke the day before, and it was overcast and chilly when they were doing this challenge. We left them, still being slammed into walls. It never grows old.

Thursday: My GOD! They made Julie Chen work two consecutive days this week! What are they, slave drivers? Why is it always the ones who never suffer who suffer?

Final Head of Household Challenge, Level One [cont.]: The Penguin doesn’t think Bitchney would have been much good at clinging to a rope, sailing through a waterfall, and getting repeatedly slammed into walls. I too, doubt she’d have lasted long, but I surely would love to have seen it. I’m picturing it now — vividly! Slam! Wail! Gracious me. I’d go take a cold shower, but Lane is hogging the bath room as usual.

The Penguin on an All-Brigade Final Three: “Tree dodos in De Final Tree, you can’t have wrote a better – ah – script dan dis.” Don’t tell me what I can’t have been wrotten!

Hayden on slamming into walls: “After a while, hitting the wall felt like a frinkkin’ car wreck, without the car.” So it felt like a “wreck”? Which wreck? The Mary Dreare? My career? Your hair?

TMI: The Penguin: “This little wooden seat now, it’s got my left leg numb. My boys downstairs are squooshed.”

Well, see what the boys in the back room will have.

The Penguin continues: “I’d like to find out who designed this little wooden seat, you know, so then I could give him a nice – ah – Jersey beat down. That’s what I do.” He remains a source of charm to the end. He actually still thinks that’s funny or cute. In any event, the only person I know with a little wooden seat is Pinocchio.

But count on The 8-Second Man to bottom even The Penguin: “This is like a Texas bar fight. You get slammed from wall-to-wall-to-wall, people pour alcohol and water on your head, and then you wake up the next morning, and your testicles hurt.” Maybe they got a Jersey beat down from The Penguin’s boys downstairs. TMI

I’ve been slammed from wall-to-wall-to-wall while people poured alcohol in the direction of my head on many occasions, but never in a bar fight. We were just young and in love.

The Penguin fell off first. Hands up, everyone who is surprised. Hands? No one? Okay.

The Penguin: “I have a chance to prove myself in this competition, and I didn’t do it.” Oh I disagree. I believe you did prove exactly who you were. You’re the guy who always loses competitions. You’re the male Kathy.

While The 8-Second Man and Hayden were being slammed into wall after wall after wall, each actually competing full-out to win, the Penguin, alone in the house at last, made himself a pizza. Left completely alone, he becomes his mother. If he’d had a TV, he’d have put his feet up and watched an old Matlock while he ate, but since he didn’t, he went out and ate while watching Big Brother from the front row, enjoying his pizza while they suffered for his dining and dancing pleasure.

At one hour and fifty-eight minutes of being repeatedly slammed into walls, which must be a record, even for The Beast, he suffered an injury he was quite specific about. “I just ripped my whole ass.” What exactly does he mean? Maybe I should see for myself. Now hold still. This may tickle. Stop squirming. It’s all right. I’ve played people in movies who knew doctors, so they know what I’m doing.

At two hours and thirty-five minutes, The Beast slipped off. A mere two and a half hours of being repeatedly slammed into walls? That’s all you got? Pussy!

Okay, The Penguin’s “Wifey” is pretty and appealing. What is she doing married to him? She could do better.

Wifey: “He’s an amazing dad, but he is a mama’s boy.” Tell us something we don’t know.

Mommy: “In school, he was not so much of a A+ student.” I’m flattened with shock! I’m guessing neither was Mommy, though she may have done well in cooking classes.

“Enzo has definitely been underestimated,” said Wifey, overestimating him.

Jury House of Hell!: Kathy is still upset that a man who sits around the living room with people who are not his family, wearing Skull & Crossbones pajamas in the middle of the day, might be what she sees as evil. Is there some way Kathy could be evicted from the Jury House?

“Is Ragan a competitor?” asked Boobiac back at the jury house of the man who got both her and her boy toy evicted, and who has repeatedly won POVs, and outlasted her and Brendon at every endurance challenge. Somehow she never noticed he was a competitor while he was busy wiping the floor with her and her musclebound boyfriend?

“I’m painting a yellow picture,” added Boobiac brainlessly, “so whoever comes in can be cheery and sunny.” Try painting a picture of a house that Boobiac is not in, if you want whoever walks in to be cheery and sunny.

“Another showmance to the Jury House,” announced Ragan to Mr. Mensa. So that’s why Mensie was sitting around in pajamas. He intends to hustle Ragan off to bed, and finally consummate their bromance, before Ragan finds out about Mr. Mensa’s little white fib, and Ragan-poontang goes off the table. Mr. Mensa has probably had to listen to Boobiac and Brendon all week (You just know she’s loud at the, you know, loud times.), and is horny as hell.

“I see Ragan as a bully,” said Boobiac, in a glaring example of it-takes-one-to-know-one in action.

Everyone, even Kathy, laughed out loud when Ragan hit The Penguin in the head with the CD. This is definitely a Three Stooges crowd.

After watching Ragan’s eviction DVD, Mr. Mensa asked Ragan to accompany him outdoors. Off went Ragan, hoping this was, at last, the longed-for proposal: “I’ve decided that when my wife dies of her imaginary bone disease, I want to marry you. My wife’s given us her blessing.” But he had something else to say.

“Take your drink; you’ll need it,” said Kathy, in the first intelligent thing she’s said all season.

View this moment out-of-context for a second: As Mr. Mensa said, “My beautiful wife can not be happier and healthier,” we watched Ragan’s face droop, his smile vanish. He was devastated to learn his friend’s wife was healthy and happy. All his dreams of their post-show-and-bone-dead-wife marriage dashed to pieces. Now he has nothing to show for his time in the house but the $20,000 dollars he got by being the Saboteur, and thereby lying to everyone in the house, including Mr. Mensa. High horse saddled up, ready for mounting.

Ragan: “I feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy pulls the football away.” Two-dimensional? Stuck in childhood forever? Dressed like a dork? What?

Bottom-Feeder Boobiac, lurking at the door, listening to every word, like a nameless horror lurking in a crypt in an H. P. Lovecraft story (I apologize to all nameless horrors in Lovecraft tales. None of you are as hideous as Boobiac.), now calculating that Ragan’s emotions are at their rawest, moves in to strike. I’d liken her to a scorpion, but what has a scorpion ever done to me?

Ragan came clean about his great lie, which turned out to be the forgettable fact that he is a professor, and actually has the PhD that Brendon covets, and Mr. Mensa also lacks, for all his MENSAcity.

But big deal. Who cares? What about coming clean about being The Saboteur? Well? We’re waiting. Oh, how you sewed seeds of paranoia on everyone for an extra $20,000, and lied to everyone, including Mr. Mensa, would make it harder to play the Moral Superiority Card against him, wouldn’t it?

Instead, he and Boobiac went at it over her being a total bitch, and not accepting this fact. She pointed out that there had been no arguments in the jury house, conveniently forgetting the blow ups when Mr. Mensa first confessed his lie.

But here’s a fact, the complaints by regular watchers of the live feeds that the feeds are duller than watching blood dry have increased substantially since Boobiac left the house.

“Ragan, go grab your tiara and be a f***ing queen; I’m over you.” said Boobiac, sashaying off into the house, believing that this witlessness-wrapped-in-homophobia constituted a stinging exit line, though she only showed again her utter lack of any trace of class. And I was left wondering if she meant one of Bitchney’s tin foil tiaras. And if she was actually over him, why was she trying to battle him at all?

Head of Household Competition: Level Two: This involved recognizing who was whom in “funny” pictures in which the houseguests faces had been smushed together, and “Frankensteined,” which is no joke, and I speak as the ex-wife the Karloff family still refuses to admit Boris was ever married to. (That was one unpleasant break-up.)

So this involved recognizing faces and a bit of brain power, and it was between the two prize dimwits of this season’s men, The Beast and The Penguin. The competition seemed to be to see who could lose worse.

The Beast did better than I expected. He got them all right in one minute and thirteen seconds. Ooh. Suspense. How much worse would the Penguin’s score be?

Just a thought on the voting for America’s Favorite Houseguest. I wish, when they announce it, that they’d show all the houseguests rankings on it. I’d love to see Boobiac in last place, and my guess is Mr. Mensa isn’t racking up the votes either.

“We’ll determine the winner when we return,” said the Chenbot, though I can’t imagine what extremely slow children she thought she was addressing, because anyone watching the show already knew that The Beast had beaten The Penguin by 30 seconds. “It was a close game,” was a lie The Chenbot felt she needed to tell.

Okay, as regards this show’s wind-up and Survivor‘s kick-off: I was mistaken when I wrote last week that my last Big Brother column will be on Monday, for I could see no possible reason for the show not to end on Sunday with an evening-long weekend blow-out. But no. Sunday will be a deleted-scenes hour, where we’ll advance nothing, but see hopefully juicy bits of bad behavior. Translation: Lots of ear-splitting Boobiac footage.

Big Brother is ending following the Suvivor season opener next Wednesday. Oh joy. Darlings, I can watch both shows in one night, but I can not write two columns in one night. If I tried, the second one would be even less worth-reading than the first.

So, I’ll be back here next Thursday with my recap of the Big Brother finale and reunion show, and then I’ll be here on Friday also, with the Survivor recapped opener a day late. Live with it. Thereafter, Survivor recaps will appear each Thursday. Who says we don’t have seasons in California?

Cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.

Read more: Texas, Reality TV, Big Brother 12 Episode 27, Julie Chen, Big Brother 12 Episode 26, The Penguin, Mensa Society, Entertainment News, Cbs, Big Brother, Big Brother 12, Big Brother 12 Episode 28, Entertainment News

Colbert Continues Salute To Iraq War Veterans With Hot Dogs, Free Beer (VIDEO)

Last night on “The Colbert Report,” Stephen Colbert continued his salute to the troops of the Iraq war, this time filling his entire audience with veterans, and again lavishing them with free beer and hot dogs. Colbert even considered the needs of the lady veterans, who were neglected two nights ago when Colbert only had sexy ladies serving beer and no sexy men. Colbert fixed this by sending out a sexy guy in a hot dog costume to dance for their pleasure.

But last night’s show wasn’t all hot dogs and sexy men. Colbert also got down to business re-assimilating the vets to today’s world. He started by catching them up on the latest developments in the last 7 years, including an introduction to Snooki and “Extreme” Pringles. Then he continued to check things off his ‘how to honor veterans’ checklist, everything except for “jobs and educations.” For help with just that, he turned to architect of the new G.I. bill Sen. Jim Webb.


Read more: Stephen Colbert, Colbert Iraq Veterans, Colbert Salutes Veterans, Colbert Veterans Video, The Colbert Report, Colbert Salutes Troops, Colbert Sexy Hot Dog Guy, Colbert Hot Dogs Beer, Funny Videos, Colbert Iraq Troops, Comedy News

Karen Dalton-Beninato: Today Show Hosts Discuss Tonight’s Saints – Vikings Kickoff

The Today Show returned to New Orleans for the third time in a month, and I had the chance to visit the set. As the show provided an early tailgating opportunity, I asked for Vikings – Saints season opener predictions because someone will eventually predict the win and I will have the scoop.

Matt Lauer was too diplomatic to call the game and answered, “We’re standing here in Jackson Square surrounded by black and gold, I think the Saints are going to do really well tonight, and if we were standing in Minnesota I would say go Brett Farvre.” He noted that I was hardly unbiased in a black and gold fleur de lis cap, but I told him it’s okay – I blog.

Al Roker pointed out that, “The statistics support the Saints, the last 10 Superbowl champs have won their home opener for the next season.” With no game predictions, how about ratings predictions? “Huge, it doesn’t get much better than this.”

“If you think about what the Saints did ratings wise for the Superbowl and the NFC Championship game, you have to give them a lot of credit,” Lauer added. “At the season opener they’re going to draw a lot of people. We just had the 5th anniversary of Katrina, there’s still an enormous amount of interest in the city.”

“It’s one of the things that this helps, keeping the focus on improvements and what’s going on here,” Roker said.

Between the Saints storybook season and Brett Farvre’s return, departure and return it’s “ratings gumbo,” Today Show producer Jim Bell said. Bell, the longest-running Today Show Executive Producer since Jeffrey Zucker, kept the remote running smoothly in a city that feels like it’s running on pure Who Dat adrenaline. Despite all the challenges a traveling set presents, “When you get the word we’re going to New Orleans, it puts a smile on your face,” Bell said.

The tourists, the game, the parade – all of it is a much needed shot in the arm to kick off tourist season in New Orleans after a summer of oil spill coverage.

“i think our show this morning is more about that shot in the arm, and our show a couple of weeks ago was much more an unjaded look at what’s happened here after Katrina,” Lauer said. “There are a lot of good things happening here, but there’s still a long way to go so we tried to handle it in that way. But today we’re kind of a pep rally.”

“It’s a celebration, this is fun,” Roker agreed. “We’re happy to be here, we love this city.”

It shows.

Roker then interviewed Deuce McAlester and I let loose with “Deeuuuuuuuuuucce” along with the rest of the crowd. It’s more of a reflex at this point. I also yell at the Lombardi Trophy whenever the opportunity arises. Saints Executive Vice President Rita Benson LeBlanc talked with Lauer about the emerging role of women in sports, including an ever increasing fan base.

Longtime Superdome public address announcer Jerry Romig gave Roker a Superbowl-Champion Saints apron, and when asked about calling the Superbowl win after how far the city has come in five years, Romig was moved to tears. He apologized off camera for tearing up, but by then anyone who heard him was tearing up as well. It’s been a delicate dance, covering both what has been accomplished and what remains to be done. NBC in particular has done a stellar job. Brian Williams’ Nightly News series about the 5-year anniversary of the flood was a gift to New Orleans and a reminder to the rest of the world.

Winding up the Today Show remote, Chef John Besh provided tailgating goodness with a spread that included jambalaya, pickled shrimp, short ribs and spicy chicken. When the bacon scent wafted across Jackson Square, he had the production team’s full attention.

He also made a bloody mary pitcher that was gone by the time I got to it. That was fate intervening to tell me it’s going to be a long, long day.











Photos by Jeff Beninato

Read more: New Orleans, Matt Lauer, Lombardi, Vikings, Jim Bell, Today Show, Nbc, Superbowl, John Besh, Al Roker, Deuce McAlester, Saints, Superdome, Jackson Square, Nfl, St. Louis Cathedral, Sports News

Fallon Presents His Back-To-School ‘Do Not Read’ List (VIDEO)

Jimmy Fallon got into the back-to-school spirit last night on “Late Night,” and unveiled his list of “Do Not Read” books for the fall. You’ll be amazed that some of these were even published, including a practical guide to dating white women (for Asian men) and a book of crafts you can make with old pantyhose. The whole list is pretty ridiculous, and Fallon cracks up a number of times just reading the chapter titles.


Read more: Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, Fallon Do Not Read Video, Funny Videos, Fallon Books, Jimmy Fallon, Fallon Do Not Read List, Back to School Do Not Read List, Fallon Crappy Books, Fallon Terrible Books, Comedy News

James Zogby: Lies and the War That Has Not Ended

During the past week, as President Barack Obama announced the withdrawal of U.S. combat forces from Iraq, there was considerable media commentary focusing on the lies that had been utilized to build public support for the war. The two that received almost exclusive attention were the argument that Saddam had an active WMD program and the assertion, made most vigorously by Vice President Richard Cheney, that there were “proven links” connecting the Iraqi leadership to the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001.

Both were, of course, deliberate fabrications but both did play important roles in shaping public opinion and justifying the invasion of Iraq. But the propaganda effort to win support for the war involved much more.

As I note in my forthcoming book Arab Voices, proponents for the war, preying on the public’s lack of basic information about Iraq and its people, made exaggerated claims expressing confidence that the effort would be relatively painless. A former Pentagon official termed it a “cakewalk”. Cheney said “it’ll go… quickly. Weeks rather than months”. Paul Wolfowitz estimated the cost of the entire enterprise not to exceed one or two billion dollars, with Iraq’s oil revenues quickly kicking in to “finance its own reconstruction”. President Bush and others added that “we would be greeted as liberators” ushering in a new democracy that would be “a beacon for a new Middle East”.

Throughout the media universe, commentators echoed these boasts, regularly churning out outrageous claims on par with Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein’s pre-Gulf War outrageous warning that that conflict would be the “mother of all battles.”

Before the invasion began, for example, Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly, wagered “the best dinner in the gaslight district of San Diego that military action will not last more than a week.” A similarly euphoric (and ultimately equally misleading) statement by Bill Kristol, editor of the Weekly Standard, soon followed: “There is a certain amount of pop psychology in America that the Shi’a can’t get along with the Sunni. . . . There’s almost no evidence of that at all.” Finally, journalist Fred Barnes, another Fox News host, chimed in, saying, “The war was the hard part. . . . And it gets easier. I mean, setting up a democracy is hard, but not as hard as winning a war.”

This endless and deadly “spinning” didn’t end with the invasion. One half year into the war, Zogby International conducted the first-ever nationwide poll in Iraq — showing that a disturbingly high percentage of Iraqis (including almost the entire Sunni population and strong majority of Shi’a) wanted the U.S. to leave their country, did not have a favorable view of the U.S. military’s behavior, and were not inclined to establish a democracy in Iraq. A few days after we released our findings, Cheney was on “Meet the Press” citing our poll as evidence of “very positive news” and then forcing the results to make his case that all was going well.

The same penchant for fabrication was in evidence in the hype surrounding the “surge” the Bush Administration implemented in early 2007. It is true that sectarian and intra-sect violence declined during this same period. But the reasons for this decline had more to do with the fact that the “ethnic cleansing” operations launched by sectarian groups had already left Baghdad’s neighborhoods purged and divided by barricades, and Sunni tribal groups had organized and armed themselves to fight against al Qaeda before the surge of U.S. troops began.

Despite all this, the same cast of characters who promoted the fabrications that led the U.S. into the war, had the temerity to upbraid President Obama for failing to give President Bush credit for successfully implementing measures that ended the war.

The U.S. combat forces have now been withdrawn, but this war is not over, it has not been a success, and U.S. responsibility has not ended. Iraq remains a fragile country, divided internally and surrounded by neighbors, some wary of the country’s instability and others eager to exploit its vulnerability. In addition to the 4,400 Americans who died, tens of thousands have been severely wounded and their continued care will remain a national priority. Hundreds of thousands of Iraqis also perished and one fifth of that country’s population remain refugees (placing an enormous burden on Syria and Jordan — where most have taken refuge) or internally displaced persons, unable to return to their homes. Meanwhile, instead of a “beacon of democracy” we see a dysfunctional political order that cannot easily come to closure and implement the results of an election that took place more than one half year ago.

As the nation responsible for this calamity, America will continue to have a role in Iraq’s future. Vice President Joseph Biden was right when he noted that “American engagement with Iraq will continue” with a new mission to help the country through reconstruction and reconciliation.

And the story doesn’t end there. At some point in our history those who brought this disaster down on us all must be called to account for the fabrications, the embarrassment to our honor, and the death and waste of so many lives and resources. Until that occurs, the conclusion to this sad chapter will not have been written.

Read more: Iraq War, Paul Wolfowitz, Wmd, Saddam Hussein, Bill Kristol, George W. Bush, Joe Biden, Bill O'Reilly, Barack Obama, Dick Cheney, Politics News

Jan Phillips: Jon Stewart asks Jesus about Mosque Ground Zero

I woke up last night to the sound of laughing and realized I’d fallen asleep with the TV on. It was 3 AM and I knew it was Jon Stewart but I had to fumble around for my glasses to see who his guest was. Unbelievable! It was Jesus, in his robe and all. His nose was bigger than I thought, his skin a lot darker, but his eyes were more piercing than I’d ever imagined. It was like light came out instead of going into them.

John was making some joke about both of them being Jews and Jesus, after laughing harder than I thought he would, said quite seriously to Jon, “Yeah, that’s one of the weirdest things, isn’t it? How could they forget that?”

Jon was all over him with questions from the daily news. What was his take on the whole Mosque/Ground Zero fiasco? Jesus said he’d seen some newscasts on the story and couldn’t believe the drama and fear it was bringing up. “They want to build a public building for prayer, education and community gathering. That’s a good thing. A better thing perhaps, would be the construction of an interfaith building, There’s room for everyone, and it’s these distinctions between religions that’s causing all the problems in the first place.”

Jon looked incredulous. “An interfaith building??”

“Yes, a multi-tasking mosque, with a synagogue, chapel and meditation hall in it. A building where people of different faiths come together to make a better world together. That’s the point of religion right? It’s not about doctrine. It’s a plan for action, an opportunity to be a communal force for good. Religion is just the map. Faith is the real adventure.”

“I don’t know….” said Stewart, making one of those funny mouth movements he does after hearing a strange idea.

Jesus pipes in, “What could be better in that spot than a building that represents, by its very structure, a coming together, a new vision that goes beyond religious borders? It’s like taking a good idea and making it great. The real prophets of the day know this. Where are their voices? Why aren’t you interviewing them?”

“Hmm, I thought I was,” says Stewart, tapping his pencil on the desk.

“You know why you have border issues here? Because you believe the borders are real, like they MEAN something. Muslin against Christian, Mexican against American, Republican against Democrat–all those borders are made up. You put up walls to defend your ideas–and not even your OWN, but ideas passed down to you from someone else–and then you make other people look like demons. It’s no wonder this country is in a state of collapse. You don’t even get it how connected you are. You’re like five fingers on a hand who think they’re separate and make up reasons why not to get along.”

Jon sat there with his mouth open.

“You’re like children playing war games. You spend all your time, all your energy attacking the “other side” instead of realizing you need to bridge the two sides in order to get across to a higher level of thinking. Even news shows are at war. Look at how you make fun of FOX. What light does that add to the world? All the time you could be giving to real visionaries, all the ways you could be role-modeling good behavior, showing the audience how it really WORKS to bring great and opposing minds together, and you sit there poking fun at another station. That’s really enlightened, isn’t it?”

This was the first time I’d ever seen Jon Stewart speechless. He looked like an embarrassed 6th grader. No pencil tapping now. More like a puppy with his tail between his legs.

“What in the world are you people doing? The ones who call themselves “religious” are often the most immature, the most judgmental and intolerant. What is THAT about? That’s exactly the opposite of what every religion teaches. And I mean EVERY religion,”
Jesus said, as he looked away from Stewart and spoke right to the camera.

“All the religions say two basic things,” he said, holding up his fingers in a peace sign.
“First, there is no distance between you and this one you call God. God is the creative force behind all things. It’s invisible, but you are the manifestation of it. I’m telling you, the Sistine Chapel should have been a mirror.”

The audience laughs, but Stewart stares into those deep eyes of the Nazarene.

He goes on, ” You are the eyes, the hands, the feet of that creative force. That energy is in you. It’s called your breath.” He holds up his index finger and taps on it a few times. “That’s the first thing. Don’t think there’s some man out there pulling strings. Grow up. This civilization–if you can call it that–is YOUR creation. This earth, it is not a bunch of resources to be exploited. It is not to be owned. It is your mother, the womb that you sprang from. You are its consciousness, its neural cells. The whole earth is the organism that you belong to. You did not come down to earth, you came up from earth, as I did. Its well-being is in your hands. Can you be proud of what you’re doing? Are you going to be the ones who kill it off, after all that talk about pro-life?”

Jesus was getting a little worked up, like that day he stormed through the temple turning over the merchants’ tables. Jon cut to a commercial, “And we’ll be right back to hear the 2nd basic thing from our guest tonight, ladies and gentlemen, the Jewish prophet Jesus of Nazareth. Stay tuned…”

They were laughing about something when they returned from the commercial, Jesus stretched out in his chair with his long lanky legs covered by his tunic, his sandaled feet hidden under the desk.

“OK,” Jon says, “You were saying there were two things. Let me see if I got this right. There’s no bearded guy up there on a cloud. That God we talk about and fight over is the creative force inside us and around us? It’s invisible and we’re like….(a long pause) its shadow?”

“Not exactly,” says Jesus. We’re like the physical form of the same energy. The ice cube version of water or steam. Same elements, different form. The sea and the iceberg. You’re all icebergs in the Sea of God,” he said, half-laughing at his own quaint metaphor. “But the problem is you don’t realize that underneath it all, you’re all connected. There’s just one big iceberg with a lot of tips. The truth is, you’re Creation continuing the co-creation of Itself.”

“Oh my,” says Stewart. “Let’s leave that discussion to Bill Moyers, What about number two? What’s the number two thing we’re supposed to know?”

Jesus holds up his two fingers again, tapping the tip of his middle finger. The camera zoomed in so closely on him I could see a scar on his forehead. “It’s not so much what you need to know–that’s part of the problem, all these peoples’ belief systems. That’s what gets you in trouble. No one has to believe in me to get to heaven. A…there is no heaven to get to and B, it’s not what you believe but how you act that matters. If anyone learned anything from reading that Bible they should have picked up that one. There’s 3000 references to helping the poor in there. But let me get back…”

“Yes,” says Stewart. “The second thing..”

“The second thing is this: forget everything you ever learned in any holy book and just treat everyone like a brother and a sister. I mean that literally. If it were your brother coming across the border…your sister with cancer and no health care….your child unable to get an education….your mother with no food in her house. And even further, your brother who was gay or hated gays, your sister who was a corrupt politician, your brother who bombed an abortion clinic, your sister who got an abortion. What does it look like to love unconditionally? To bridge differences, to come together over what we can agree on? Can you get through one day without thinking you’re better or less than another? That’s the thing to strive for. That is living faithfully.”

“But…but…” says Stewart. “What about the Tea Partyers, the terrorists, what about Fox News and hate crimes?”

“If you think they are so different from you, be the opposite of what you think they are and enact that powerfully in the world. Don’t focus on who’s wrong. Just be a greater force for good.”

“Not focus on who’s wrong? How could I do my show?”

“Exactly. Remember what Gandhi said? Be the change you want to see in the world?”

“Sure. I have that quotation on my refrigerator.”

“Well, it’s time to take it further. You’re evolving as a people. You’ve come through the Dark Ages, the Middle Ages, the Renaissance, the wrongly named Period of Enlightenment. You’re now in the Information Age. You are growing your consciousness. In the physical world, you have Olympic marathon trainers who run 10 miles or more a day. They spend every waking hour in training, eating the right foods, researching the right clothing and equipment, working out, following a discipline. And in the metaphysical world, the spiritual world, you have people doing the same–they are your mystics and prophets–engaging in spiritual practice, accelerating their wisdom, expanding their consciousness, transcending judgment and radiating love into the world. You might be in that category.,.”

Stewart does one of his choking, ahem things, putting his hand over his mouth. “Out of the question,” he says frankly. “I thrive on judgment.”

“Good to know yourself. You’re all evolving at different rates. In the fall, when you look at a maple tree, you see leaves that are green, yellow, orange and red. They don’t all change at the same time. And that’s what makes life exciting. You all know different things. That’s why you need each other. Like that guy Ken Wilbur said, “You’re all right, only partly so.”

Stewart nods his head in agreement, tapping his pencil on the table again.

“But back to Gandhi. I agree with what he said, but I’ll say it a different way, just to shake things up a bit, which I love to do. By the way, it’d make a great bumper sticker:
Be the God you want to see in the world.”

“Oh-oh, sounds blasphemous to me,” says Stewart.

“You know as well as I do, every good idea starts out as a blasphemy.”

“OK, great, we’re out of time,” says Stewart, as the camera swings over for a shot of the audience. They’re all standing, some crying and laughing at the same time, the most incredible look of collective awe I’ve ever seen. And Jesus walks over like Jay Leno and starts shaking hands with them. What a night!”

Jan Phillips
September 3, 2010

Read more: Ground Zero Mosque, Daily Show, Prophet, Jon Stewart, Jesus, Entertainment News