I had an important epiphany while at my friends BBQ over the weekend. I’ve always been a dog guy. I think most sane people feel the same way. My hang up is that I can never clearly express why someone being a cat person is SO truly crazy, other than saying the plainly obvious, “cats suck … dude … I mean how are we even having this argument cats just suck…”
Yes, cats are selfish and they don’t come when you call them. But most humans are selfish and don’t come when you call them — so I’ve hesitated in using that as my main argument for casting off the entire cat race.
But there I was on Sunday — watching Planet Earth in HD (exciting BBQ I know) — watching a tiger chase down a gazelle, and I realized something. There is absolutely NO DIFFERENCE between that tiger and your average house cat, EXCEPT for size. If little Muffin who cuddles with you every night was large enough to KILL YOU … she would.
I’ll go so far as to say that 98% of all house cats would kill you if they could. I have encountered around two percent of the cat population that act like dogs are incredibly sweet. My scientific observations lead me to believe that they’re a genetic anamoly and their mentally retarded cat brains aren’t fully developed. Therefore, the two percent of cats who WOULDN’T kill you on purpose — would do so on accident — much like Lenny in George Steinbeck’s classic Of Mice and Men.
Mice AND MEN. The other thing cats would kill if they could.
Case closed.
Picture by Joel Telling courtesy of Creative Commons License
Read more: Killing, Cats, Humans, Cats Are Evil, Dogs, Death, Comedy News
